Adoption After Infertility Counseling
When the path to parenthood changes direction.
You spent years trying to get pregnant. The fertility treatments, the hope, the heartbreak. Now you're considering adoption, or maybe you've already decided. At Dancing Bee Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin, Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT provides specialized support for the emotional weight of transitioning from infertility treatment to adoption, including the grief work that makes healthy adoptive parenthood possible.
Adoption Is Not Plan B
But it might feel that way right now. And that's okay to admit.
You imagined pregnancy. You imagined seeing your features in your child's face, feeling them kick inside you, that biological connection you assumed would be part of parenthood. Adoption wasn't what you pictured when you started trying to build a family. It's what emerged after the pregnancy tests, the IVF cycles, the miscarriages, the years of treatment that didn't give you what you wanted most.
Moving from infertility to adoption isn't a simple switch. It's a grief process. You're not just choosing a different path to parenthood. You're letting go of the biological child you hoped for, the pregnancy you wanted, the version of your family that existed in your mind for years.
That grief doesn't mean adoption is wrong for you. It means you're human. You wanted something, you couldn't have it, and that loss deserves acknowledgment before you move forward.
Adoption after infertility counseling isn't about talking you into or out of adoption. It's about processing what brought you here, grieving what you're leaving behind, and arriving at adoptive parenthood whole rather than broken.
When to Stop Fertility Treatment and Adopt
The decision to end fertility treatment is one of the hardest choices you'll ever make. There's no right answer, only your answer.
Signs You Might Be Ready
Every person's readiness timeline differs. Some signals that the transition to adoption might be right:
- You're continuing treatment out of obligation, not hope
- The thought of another cycle fills you with dread instead of cautious optimism
- You've started researching adoption agencies alongside fertility appointments
- Your doctor has recommended considering other options
- The financial, physical, or emotional cost of treatment has become unsustainable
- You feel ready to be a parent more than you need to be pregnant
- When you imagine your future child, you can picture one who doesn't share your DNA
Readiness isn't about having zero grief. It's about being able to hold both: the sadness of what you're leaving and the openness to what's ahead.
The "One More Cycle" Trap
Many people stay in fertility treatment long past when they wanted to stop. The "one more try" mentality keeps you on a treadmill that never reaches a destination. Recognizing when you're stuck, not hopeful, matters.
When Partners Disagree
What if one person is ready to stop and the other isn't? Couples counseling helps you work through different timelines, different grief processes, and find alignment without resentment.
Financial Exhaustion
Fertility treatment is expensive. Many people arrive at adoption not because they're emotionally done with treatment, but because they're financially depleted. Both can be true. Processing this reality matters.
It's Not Linear
Some people pursue adoption and later return to fertility treatment. Some do both simultaneously. Some stop treatment, adopt, and then conceive naturally. The path isn't always straight.
What Transitioning to Adoption Feels Like
Moving from fertility treatment to adoption brings up emotions that may surprise you with their intensity. These feelings don't mean you're making the wrong choice.
Grief for the Biological Child
You're mourning a person who never existed but felt real to you. The child with your partner's eyes and your mother's smile. This grief needs space before you can fully embrace adoption.
Feeling Like You're Giving Up
Choosing adoption after infertility can feel like admitting defeat. Like your body failed and you're surrendering. Reframing this as choosing parenthood, not abandoning biology, takes time.
Fear of Loving an Adopted Child
Will I love a child who isn't biologically mine? Will the bond be the same? These fears are common and, for most adoptive parents, prove unfounded once their child arrives.
Anger at Your Body
Resentment toward the body that couldn't do what you wanted. Anger that pregnancy works for so many others. This anger is valid and needs expression.
Jealousy Toward Pregnant People
Even after choosing adoption, seeing pregnant women or hearing pregnancy announcements may still hurt. Adoption doesn't erase infertility grief. Both exist together.
Uncertainty About the Process
Adoption brings its own waiting, uncertainty, and lack of control. Home studies, matching, legal processes. Trading one kind of waiting for another can feel exhausting.
Isolation from Both Worlds
You're no longer in the infertility community but not yet an adoptive parent. This in-between space is lonely. You don't fit neatly anywhere.
Relief Mixed with Guilt
Some people feel relief when they stop fertility treatment, followed by guilt for feeling relieved. You're allowed to feel lighter and sad at the same time.
Why Grieving Before Adoption Matters
Adoption agencies and mental health professionals strongly recommend resolving infertility grief before beginning the adoption process. Here's why.
Protecting Your Future Child
Children sense when they're being compared to someone else. If you haven't grieved the biological child you imagined, your adopted child may feel like a replacement rather than a wanted first choice. They deserve to be wanted for who they are.
Avoiding Unconscious Resentment
Unprocessed grief can manifest as distance, frustration, or difficulty bonding. You might unconsciously blame your child for not being the biological child you wanted. Grief work prevents this displacement.
Embracing Open Adoption
Modern adoption often involves ongoing contact with birth parents. Unresolved grief can make these relationships harder because you're still mourning not being the biological parent yourself.
Telling Your Child's Story
Adoptees need to hear their adoption story told with love, not with the shadow of what their parents wished had happened differently. Processing your infertility grief allows you to tell their story without bitterness.
Arriving Whole
Adoption is its own emotional process with its own challenges. Starting from a place of resolved grief, rather than adding adoption onto unprocessed infertility pain, gives you the foundation for healthy adoptive parenthood.
What "Resolved" Means
Resolved doesn't mean you'll never feel sad about infertility again. It means the grief isn't acute, raw, or controlling your emotions. You can think about your fertility history without being overwhelmed.
Types of Adoption After Infertility
Each adoption path has different emotional considerations. Knowing what to expect helps you choose what fits your family.
Domestic Infant Adoption
Adopting a newborn in the United States through an agency or attorney. Often involves open adoption with ongoing birth parent contact. Wait times vary from months to years. Emotional preparation for the birth parent relationship is essential.
International Adoption
Adopting a child from another country. Programs vary by country with different requirements, timelines, and age ranges of available children. Involves travel, cross-cultural considerations, and often adopting a child older than infancy.
Foster Care Adoption
Adopting a child from the foster care system, often after fostering them first. Children are typically older and may have experienced trauma. Lower financial cost but higher emotional complexity. Requires specific training and preparation.
Open Adoption
Ongoing contact with birth parents through letters, photos, or visits. Most domestic adoptions today have some openness. Requires comfort with the birth family relationship and explaining this to your child as they grow.
Private vs. Agency Adoption
Working directly with an adoption attorney versus through an agency. Each has different levels of support, cost structures, and control over the process. Understanding the differences helps you choose the right fit.
Embryo Adoption
Receiving donated embryos from families who completed fertility treatment. You experience pregnancy but the child isn't genetically related. A middle ground between fertility treatment and traditional adoption for some families.
Adoption After Infertility Counseling
Specialized therapy for the transition from fertility treatment to adoption, addressing both the grief of infertility and preparation for adoptive parenthood.
Pre-Adoption Grief Work
Processing the loss of the biological child before starting adoption. This grief work isn't about "getting over" infertility but integrating it so you can move forward without carrying unresolved pain into your adoptive family.
Decision Support
Should you stop treatment? Are you ready for adoption? When partners disagree about timing? I help you work through these decisions without pressure, honoring both people's needs if you're a couple.
Couples Counseling
Relationship support during this transition. Infertility strains marriages. The shift to adoption can bring up new conflicts. Staying connected while making major family decisions together.
Bonding Anxiety
Addressing the fear that you won't love an adopted child the way you would have loved a biological child. These fears are normal and workable. We explore where they come from and how to prepare for bonding.
Home Study Preparation
The home study can feel intrusive and anxiety-producing, especially after years of invasive fertility treatment. I help you prepare emotionally for this process and what it asks of you.
The Adoption Wait
Waiting for a match brings its own anxiety, different from but reminiscent of fertility treatment waiting. Managing this liminal space without losing yourself in worry or impatience.
Who Seeks Adoption After Infertility Counseling?
Still in treatment but starting to wonder if adoption might be your path
Recently decided to stop fertility treatment and feeling the weight of that choice
Grieving the biological child you hoped for before you can move forward
Afraid you won't love an adopted child the same way and need to work through this fear
Partners disagreeing about whether to stop treatment or pursue adoption
In the adoption process but infertility grief keeps surfacing
Preparing for home study and want emotional support through the process
Waiting for a match and struggling with the uncertainty and lack of control
The transition from infertility to adoption is one of the biggest emotional shifts you'll ever make. You don't have to make it alone.
Schedule a ConsultationQuestions About Adoption After Infertility
Should I stop fertility treatment and adopt instead?
This is one of the most personal decisions you'll ever make, and there's no universal answer. Some people know in their gut when it's time. Others need help sorting through the factors: age, finances, emotional reserves, relationship strain, and how many more cycles you can endure. The decision to stop fertility treatment and pursue adoption isn't about giving up. It's about choosing a different path to the family you want. Some questions that help: Are you continuing treatment because you want to, or because you feel you should? Can you imagine stopping without regret? What would adoption mean to you right now? A therapist who specializes in infertility can help you work through this decision without pressure either direction.
Do I need to grieve infertility before adopting?
Yes. Adoption agencies and therapists who work in this field strongly recommend resolving your infertility grief before beginning the adoption process. This doesn't mean you'll never feel sad again about not having a biological child. It means you've processed enough of that grief that you can fully embrace adoption as your path to parenthood, not as a consolation prize. Unresolved infertility grief can affect your adoption experience: difficulty bonding, comparing your adopted child to the biological child you imagined, or unconsciously resenting your child for not being what you originally wanted. Grief counseling before adoption protects both you and your future child.
Will I love an adopted child as much as a biological child?
This fear is extremely common among prospective adoptive parents, especially those coming from infertility. The short answer is yes. Parental love is built through caregiving, not genetics or pregnancy. You bond with your child by feeding them at 3am, comforting them when they're scared, celebrating their first steps, and being present day after day. Research consistently shows that adoptive parents form the same strong attachments as biological parents. The fear that you won't love an adopted child enough usually comes from unprocessed grief about the biological child you won't have. Addressing that grief before adoption helps you arrive at parenthood ready to love fully.
Is adoption giving up on having my own child?
No. And this question reflects harmful language that needs reframing. An adopted child IS your own child. Adoption doesn't mean giving up on parenthood. It means choosing a different path to get there. What you're actually asking might be: Is adoption giving up on having a biological child? And the answer is still no, not in the way "giving up" implies weakness or failure. Choosing adoption after infertility is a brave, deliberate decision to build your family another way. It takes strength to stop treatment that isn't working. It takes courage to grieve what you hoped for and open yourself to something different. Adoption is choosing parenthood over pregnancy.
How do I know I'm ready to adopt after infertility?
Signs of adoption readiness after infertility include: You can think about your fertility history without overwhelming grief. You're excited about adoption for what it is, not just as a way to finally become a parent. You've stopped actively hoping fertility treatment might still work. You can imagine telling your child their adoption story with love, not sadness. You're not secretly hoping your adopted child will be "like" the biological child you wanted. You're ready to embrace open adoption and birth parent relationships if relevant. If you're unsure, that's okay. Many people start exploring adoption while still processing infertility grief. A therapist can help you assess your readiness honestly.
Why See an Adoption After Infertility Specialist?
Understanding Both Worlds
I understand infertility and I understand the transition to adoption. You won't have to explain what IVF was like or why "just adopt" felt dismissive. I know both sides of this experience.
Grief Work Experience
Pre-adoption grief processing is specialized work. I know how to help you grieve the biological child without getting stuck, so you can move forward to adoption from a place of resolution rather than desperation.
ASRM Training
My training through the American Society for Reproductive Medicine specifically addressed the psychological aspects of third-party reproduction and the transition from infertility treatment to alternative family building paths.
No Pressure Either Direction
I'm not here to convince you to adopt or to keep doing fertility treatment. My role is to help you make the decision that's right for you and process whatever that decision brings up.
Adoption After Infertility Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin
Dancing Bee Counseling provides specialized adoption transition support from our Waunakee office. Telehealth sessions are available throughout Wisconsin.
🐝 Dancing Bee Counseling
Serving Dane County and Beyond:
Serving patients from UW Fertility, Forward Fertility, and Wisconsin Fertility Institute as they consider next steps.
Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT
Reproductive Mental Health Specialist
I founded Dancing Bee Counseling because I saw how many people were struggling through fertility challenges without adequate support. The transition from infertility to adoption is one of the most emotionally demanding shifts people make, and it deserves specialized care.
I provide adoption after infertility counseling that honors where you've been and prepares you for where you're going. This isn't about rushing you through grief to get to adoption. It's about doing the work that allows you to arrive at adoptive parenthood whole, ready to love your child without the shadow of unresolved loss.
A Different Path Is Still a Path
Adoption after infertility isn't settling. It's choosing parenthood through a door you didn't originally plan to walk through. Support for that choice is here.
In-person in Waunakee · Telehealth throughout Wisconsin
The Unhelpful Comments
People who haven't experienced infertility say things that minimize your experience and oversimplify adoption.
"Why Don't You Just Adopt?"
The most common and most hurtful phrase. As if adoption is simple. As if it erases infertility grief. As if wanting a biological child is something you should just get over. This dismissal ignores everything you've been through.
"There Are So Many Kids Who Need Homes"
This implies you're selfish for wanting a biological child and that adoption is charity. Adopted children aren't rescued. They're wanted. This framing is harmful to adoptees and adoptive families.
"You'll Love Them Just the Same"
Said to reassure you, but it dismisses the valid fear that many prospective adoptive parents have. The anxiety about bonding is real and deserves more than a quick dismissal.
"Maybe You Were Meant to Adopt"
The "meant to be" narrative suggests infertility happened for a reason. That your suffering was part of some plan. This theological framing can feel dismissive and even cruel.
"At Least You'll Finally Be a Parent"
The "at least" minimizes everything that led here. Yes, you want to be a parent. That doesn't mean the path to get here wasn't painful. Both things matter.
"My Neighbor Adopted and Then Got Pregnant"
The myth that adoption leads to pregnancy. This isn't statistically supported and implies adoption is somehow a fertility treatment. Your adopted child isn't a good luck charm.