Couples Fertility Counseling
Infertility tests relationships. Therapy helps you face it together.
Infertility doesn't just happen to individuals. It happens to couples. The stress of treatment, the grief of loss, the weight of decisions, the shift in intimacy. At Dancing Bee Counseling, Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT provides specialized couples therapy for partners navigating infertility together in the Madison, Wisconsin area.
Infertility Changes Relationships
Before infertility, you probably didn't think much about how you'd handle crisis as a couple. Now you're learning in real time, under the worst possible circumstances. The person who used to be your escape from stress has become intertwined with the source of it.
Maybe you're grieving at different paces or in different ways. Maybe one of you wants to talk about it constantly while the other needs space. Maybe sex has become a scheduled obligation instead of connection. Maybe you're fighting about treatment decisions or tiptoeing around each other to avoid conflict.
None of this means your relationship is broken. It means you're going through something extraordinarily hard, and you need support designed specifically for couples facing fertility challenges.
Couples fertility counseling provides a space where both partners can be heard, where different coping styles are understood, and where you can learn to face infertility as a team instead of two people struggling alone in the same house.
How Infertility Affects Couples
Every couple experiences infertility differently, but certain patterns show up again and again.
Communication Breakdown
You used to talk easily. Now conversations about fertility feel loaded, and you've started avoiding the topic altogether. Or you're having the same circular argument over and over without resolution.
Grieving Differently
One partner cries openly while the other stays stoic. One wants to process out loud while the other needs silence. Different grief styles can feel like your partner doesn't care as much as you do.
Intimacy Struggles
Sex on a schedule. Timed intercourse that feels clinical. The pressure of the fertile window turning connection into obligation. Intimacy during infertility often suffers, and many couples stop being physical altogether.
Blame and Resentment
When there's a diagnosis, whether male factor, PCOS, endometriosis, or something else, blame can creep in. Even without diagnosis, resentment builds over who's doing more, feeling more, or coping better.
Decision Disagreements
Should we try IVF? How many cycles? Consider donor eggs or sperm? When do we stop? These decisions are hard enough individually. Making them as a couple when you're not aligned feels impossible.
Different Coping Speeds
One partner is ready to try again after a failed cycle or loss. The other needs more time. Pressure to move at the same pace creates tension.
Role Imbalance
Often one partner carries more of the physical burden of treatment while the other feels helpless. One becomes the "researcher" while the other checks out. These imbalances breed disconnection.
Isolation from Each Other
You're both going through the same thing, yet you feel completely alone. Relationship strain from infertility can make your partner feel like a stranger.
What Couples Fertility Counseling Addresses
Couples therapy for infertility isn't about fixing one partner or the relationship. It's about giving you both tools to navigate this challenge together.
Improving Communication
Learning how to talk about infertility without triggering each other. Creating space for both partners to express needs and fears without the conversation turning into conflict.
Understanding Different Coping Styles
Recognizing that your partner's way of processing isn't wrong, just different. Finding ways to support each other even when you're grieving or coping differently.
Reconnecting Intimately
Separating sex-for-conception from sex-for-connection. Rebuilding physical and emotional intimacy that infertility may have damaged.
Making Decisions Together
Working through treatment decisions, timing questions, and "what if" scenarios as a team. Finding alignment when you're starting from different places.
Strengthening Your Foundation
Remembering why you chose each other. Protecting the relationship so that whatever happens with fertility, you come through it together.
Who Seeks Couples Fertility Counseling?
Couples come at every stage of the fertility journey:
Early in trying when stress is already affecting the relationship
Before starting treatment wanting to strengthen the relationship first
During IVF or IUI struggling with treatment stress together
After pregnancy loss grieving differently and feeling disconnected
Facing major decisions not aligned on next steps or when to stop
When intimacy has suffered sex has become mechanical or stopped
One partner with individual struggles seeking support while working on the relationship
After infertility healing relationship damage even after building your family
Wherever you are, support is available.
Schedule a ConsultationCouples and Individual Sessions
Fertility counseling for couples can take different forms depending on your needs.
Joint Sessions
Both partners attend together. Focus on communication, decision-making, understanding each other's experience, and strengthening your connection as a couple facing infertility.
- Work on communication patterns
- Process treatment decisions together
- Address conflict and disconnection
- Rebuild intimacy and connection
Individual Sessions
One partner attends alone. Space to process individual grief, anxiety, or struggles without worrying about your partner's reaction. Can complement couples work.
- Process personal grief or trauma
- Work through fertility anxiety or depression
- Explore your own feelings before discussing with partner
- Get support when your partner isn't ready for therapy
Combined Approach
Many couples benefit from a mix: joint sessions to work on the relationship, with individual sessions as needed for personal processing.
- Flexibility to address both individual and couple needs
- Space for each partner to have their own support
- Joint sessions to bring it together
- Tailored to your specific situation
Why See a Fertility-Specialized Couples Therapist?
General couples therapists may not understand the unique stressors of infertility.
Understanding Treatment Realities
I know what couples face during IVF, IUI, and other treatments. The monitoring appointments, the injections, the waiting, the financial pressure. You won't have to explain why this is so hard.
Knowing the Timeline Pressures
Fertility has a clock. Decisions can't always wait. I understand the urgency that infertility creates and how that pressure affects couples differently.
Recognizing Fertility-Specific Grief
The grief of infertility and pregnancy loss is unique. I understand why couples grieve differently and how to help you support each other through it.
Specialized Training
My training includes specialized preparation for couples facing infertility. This means approaches specifically designed for fertility challenges, not general couples therapy adapted to your situation.
Questions About Couples Fertility Counseling
Can infertility break up a marriage?
Infertility puts significant stress on relationships, but it doesn't have to lead to separation. The difference often comes down to communication, support, and whether couples address relationship strain before it becomes entrenched. Many couples who navigate infertility together emerge with a stronger relationship than before. Couples counseling during infertility can help protect your relationship regardless of fertility outcomes.
How do I talk to my partner about infertility?
Start by choosing a calm moment, not in the middle of a conflict or right after bad news. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without blame. Ask about your partner's experience rather than assuming you know. Accept that they may process differently than you do. Set aside regular time to check in about fertility so it doesn't consume every conversation. If you're struggling to communicate effectively, couples counseling can provide structure and tools for these difficult conversations.
Why is my partner not as affected by infertility?
Partners often appear to be affected differently by infertility, but appearances can be deceiving. Some people process internally, showing less outward emotion while struggling significantly inside. Others cope through action or distraction rather than expression. The partner undergoing physical treatment often feels it more acutely simply because of constant physical reminders. Different doesn't mean less. Couples therapy can help you understand each other's coping styles and feel less alone in your experiences.
How do we decide together about fertility treatment?
Making fertility treatment decisions as a couple requires open communication about values, limits, and fears. Discuss what you're each willing to do physically, emotionally, and financially. Talk about timelines and when you might consider stopping or changing direction. Explore options like donor conception or adoption even if you're not ready for them yet. If you're not aligned, couples counseling can help you find common ground and make decisions that honor both partners' needs.
What if my partner won't come to counseling?
It's common for one partner to be more ready for therapy than the other. You can still benefit from individual counseling to work on your own response to infertility and to develop strategies for communicating with your partner. Sometimes when one partner starts therapy and begins changing patterns, the other becomes more open to participating. Your therapist can also help you find ways to invite your partner into the process without pressure. The goal is supporting you, whether or not your partner joins.
Couples Fertility Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin
Dancing Bee Counseling provides specialized couples fertility therapy from our Waunakee office. Telehealth sessions are available throughout Wisconsin for couples who prefer virtual sessions.
Dancing Bee Counseling
Serving Couples Throughout:
A private, comfortable space in Dane County with easy parking.
Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT
Reproductive Mental Health Specialist
I founded Dancing Bee Counseling because I saw how many couples were struggling through infertility without access to therapists who understood both relationship dynamics and fertility challenges. General couples therapists often don't know the fertility landscape, and general fertility support doesn't always address relationship strain.
My specialized training combined with my focus on couples work means I can support both the relationship and the fertility journey simultaneously.
Face Infertility Together
Your relationship is worth protecting. A consultation is simply a conversation about what you're experiencing and how therapy might help you navigate this as a team.
In-person in Waunakee | Telehealth throughout Wisconsin