Intimacy During Infertility
Sex used to bring you together. Now it's scheduled, clinical, and loaded with pressure. What happened?
Dancing Bee Counseling provides support for couples whose intimate lives have been disrupted by infertility. When trying to conceive turns sex into a chore, when performance anxiety takes over, when you've lost the desire that used to come naturally: these struggles are common, treatable, and nothing to be ashamed of. I help couples reclaim intimacy and reconnect physically, even in the midst of fertility treatment.
How Infertility Changes Intimacy
Before infertility, sex was likely something that happened naturally, driven by desire, connection, and pleasure. You didn't have to think about timing or outcomes. It was an expression of your relationship, not a means to an end.
Infertility changes everything. Sex becomes scheduled around ovulation windows. It happens whether you're in the mood or not, because the calendar says you must. Every encounter carries the weight of hope and the shadow of past disappointments. Your body, which was once a source of pleasure, now feels like a medical project that keeps failing.
The loss of sexual intimacy during infertility is one of the most common and least talked about aspects of the journey. If your intimate life has suffered, if you dread the fertile window, if you've lost desire entirely: you're not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you or your relationship. This is a normal response to an abnormal situation.
I provide specialized support for couples struggling with intimacy during infertility. Whether as part of couples counseling or focused specifically on sexual and physical connection, I help partners understand what's happening and find their way back to each other.
Sex Before Infertility
Spontaneous and natural
About connection and pleasure
Driven by desire
Private and intimate
Strengthened your bond
Sex During Infertility
Scheduled and timed
About conception and outcomes
Driven by calendar
Medicalized and clinical
Creates stress and distance
Common Intimacy Struggles During TTC
These experiences are widespread among couples trying to conceive.
Scheduled Sex
Sex happens on a schedule, whether you want it or not. The fertile window dictates when you have to perform, removing choice and spontaneity.
Performance Pressure
The stakes feel impossibly high. Erectile dysfunction, difficulty with arousal, or inability to climax become common when sex carries so much weight.
Loss of Desire
When sex is associated with disappointment and pressure, desire naturally decreases. You may find yourself avoiding intimacy entirely.
Avoiding Touch
Physical affection drops outside the fertile window because touch feels like it might lead to pressured sex. Couples stop cuddling, holding hands, or being close.
Negative Associations
Sex becomes linked to failure and disappointment. Every negative pregnancy test reinforces that sex didn't "work," creating conditioning that makes intimacy feel bad.
Medicalized Bodies
Your body has been poked, prodded, and examined. It feels more like a medical project than a source of pleasure. Reclaiming it for intimacy is hard.
Body Image Issues
Feeling betrayed by a body that won't conceive. Weight changes from hormones. Discomfort with a body that feels broken. These affect sexual confidence.
Resentment
Feeling like a sperm delivery service or incubator. Resentment toward your partner for not understanding, for wanting sex, or for not wanting it enough.
Silence and Shame
Not talking about the intimacy struggles makes them worse. Shame about the problems prevents addressing them. Both partners suffer alone.
Intimacy Struggles Look Different
For the Person with Ovaries
Your body is the focus of treatment, which can make intimacy feel even more clinical. You may experience:
Feeling like your body has failed or betrayed you
Discomfort from hormones, procedures, or side effects
Loss of feeling sexy when your body is so medicalized
Dreading sex during the fertile window
For the Person Providing Sperm
The pressure to perform on demand, often with less emotional support, creates unique challenges:
Erectile dysfunction during the fertile window
Feeling like a sperm donor rather than a partner
Pressure to perform reducing natural arousal
Less space to express sexual frustration
Strategies for Reclaiming Intimacy
Rebuilding intimate connection while trying to conceive is possible with intentional effort.
Separate Baby-Making from Connection
Intentionally create two types of physical intimacy: timed intercourse for conception (acknowledge what it is) and separate intimate time purely for pleasure and connection with no reproductive goal.
Talk About It
Break the silence. Tell your partner what's hard, what you need, what helps. Acknowledge that sex has changed and you both miss what it used to be. Communication creates connection.
Expand the Definition
Intimacy isn't just intercourse. Massage, cuddling, showering together, sensual touch without expectation of more: these maintain physical connection without the pressure.
Take Breaks
Some couples benefit from taking a cycle off from trying to reconnect sexually without the pressure. Others find that moving to IVF or IUI actually reduces sexual pressure.
Acknowledge the Awkwardness
Sometimes naming what's happening helps. "This is weird timed sex and I'd rather be watching TV" can be more connecting than pretending everything is fine.
Reclaim Your Body
Find ways to feel good in your body outside of fertility treatment. Movement, self-care, activities that remind you your body can be a source of pleasure, not just a medical project.
Intimacy Support for TTC Couples
I provide therapy that addresses the sexual and intimate challenges of infertility directly.
Safe Space to Talk
A place to discuss intimacy openly without shame. Many couples have never talked about what's happening sexually; therapy provides that opportunity.
Understanding Patterns
Identifying what's happening in your intimate life and why. Understanding the psychological mechanisms helps reduce self-blame and creates path to change.
Practical Strategies
Concrete tools for managing scheduled sex, rebuilding desire, addressing performance anxiety, and maintaining physical connection during TTC.
Processing Grief
The loss of your previous sex life is a real grief. Acknowledging what's been lost makes space for building something new.
Couples Work
When intimacy struggles are part of broader relationship strain, addressing both together creates lasting change.
Individual Support
Sometimes individual therapy to process body image issues, trauma history, or personal factors affecting intimacy is needed alongside or before couples work.
Intimacy Beyond Intercourse
When penetrative sex is stressful, maintaining physical connection through other means keeps partners close.
Cuddling
Non-sexual physical closeness
Massage
Sensual touch without pressure
Bathing Together
Intimate without expectation
Holding Hands
Simple, constant connection
Kissing
Affection without agenda
Sleeping Close
Physical presence and comfort
Who Benefits from Intimacy Support
Scheduled sex has become something you both dread
You're experiencing performance anxiety or sexual dysfunction
You've lost desire for sex and miss how it used to feel
You're avoiding physical touch because it might lead to pressure
Sex has negative associations after months or years of TTC
You feel disconnected from your body after fertility treatment
You haven't talked about these issues but know something is wrong
You want to reconnect physically but don't know how
Questions About Intimacy and Infertility
Why has sex become so difficult during infertility?
Sex during infertility becomes difficult for multiple reasons. First, it shifts from being about connection and pleasure to being about conception, which fundamentally changes its meaning and emotional experience. Second, the timing requirements create pressure and remove spontaneity. Third, the association between sex and repeated disappointment (negative pregnancy tests, failed cycles) creates negative conditioning. Fourth, the clinical nature of fertility treatment can make your body feel like a medical project rather than a source of pleasure. Fifth, stress, grief, anxiety, and depression associated with infertility all decrease libido and interfere with arousal.
How do you deal with scheduled sex during infertility?
Dealing with scheduled sex requires both practical strategies and emotional processing. First, acknowledge that it's hard and that your feelings are valid. Try to create some element of choice within the constraint: even if timing is fixed, you can choose other variables like location, setting, or what you do before or after. Keep some physical intimacy completely separate from conception. Communicate openly with your partner about what helps and what makes it worse. Some couples find it helpful to use humor, create small rituals around timed sex, or explicitly separate "baby-making sex" from "us sex." If timed sex is causing significant distress or dysfunction, consider whether IUI or IVF might actually reduce sexual pressure by handling conception medically.
Is it normal to lose desire for sex when trying to conceive?
Yes, loss of sexual desire during infertility is extremely common for both partners. Multiple factors contribute: stress and anxiety suppress libido, grief and depression decrease interest in sex, negative associations between sex and failure condition you to avoid it, pressure removes the spontaneity that drives desire, body image issues make you feel disconnected from your body, and exhaustion from the emotional toll leaves little energy for intimacy. Loss of desire doesn't mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. It's a normal response to the circumstances. Desire often returns when the pressure decreases or when couples intentionally work to rebuild positive associations with physical intimacy.
Can infertility cause erectile dysfunction or other sexual problems?
Yes, infertility can cause or worsen sexual dysfunction in both partners. For men, erectile dysfunction during the fertile window is common due to performance pressure. Some men experience difficulty ejaculating on demand or reduced semen quality from stress. For women, issues may include difficulty with arousal, vaginal dryness, painful intercourse, or inability to orgasm. These problems are typically psychological rather than physical in origin, caused by anxiety, pressure, and the loss of natural sexual response when sex becomes goal-oriented rather than pleasure-oriented. The good news is that stress-related sexual dysfunction usually improves when the pressure decreases.
How do we stay connected physically when sex is stressful?
Physical connection doesn't have to mean intercourse. When penetrative sex has become stressful, expanding your definition of intimacy can help maintain closeness. Consider non-sexual physical touch like cuddling, massage, holding hands, or sleeping close together. Sensual experiences that aren't goal-oriented: showering together, giving each other massages, or simply lying skin-to-skin. Physical activities you do together like dancing, yoga, or even exercise. Some couples benefit from explicitly taking penetrative sex off the table for periods of time to reduce pressure and rediscover other forms of connection. The goal is maintaining physical closeness and positive touch even when intercourse is complicated.
Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT
Fertility Intimacy Specialist
I understand how infertility changes intimate relationships. The scheduled sex, the performance pressure, the loss of desire, the distance that grows when physical connection becomes stressful: these are patterns I see often, and they're treatable.
As a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine with specialized training in fertility counseling, I provide a safe, non-judgmental space to discuss the intimate challenges of trying to conceive. We can address these issues directly, whether in individual or couples sessions, without shame or embarrassment.
Your intimate life matters. Let me help you find your way back to connection.
More About AbbyIntimacy Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin
🐝 Dancing Bee Counseling
Office Address
101 E Main St, Suite 4
Waunakee, WI 53597
Phone
608-967-6105Serving Dane County and Beyond
Reconnect With Each Other
Intimacy during infertility is hard. But it doesn't have to stay this way.
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