Surrogacy Support & Counseling
When your baby will grow in someone else's body.
You've made the decision to build your family through surrogacy. Maybe after years of infertility, failed IVF cycles, pregnancy losses, or a medical condition that makes pregnancy impossible. Maybe as a same-sex couple or single person who always knew this would be your path. At Dancing Bee Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin, Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT provides specialized support for intended parents facing the emotional complexity of gestational surrogacy.
Someone Else Will Carry Your Baby
That sentence contains so much. Gratitude for the gestational carrier who makes this possible. Relief that there's a path forward when pregnancy isn't an option. And grief, often unexpected grief, for the pregnancy experience you won't have.
Surrogacy is simultaneously a gift and a loss. You'll become a parent, which is everything you wanted. And you'll miss feeling your baby move inside you, seeing your own belly grow, experiencing the physical bond of pregnancy. Both things are true at the same time.
For intended mothers who spent years trying to get pregnant, watching another woman carry the pregnancy can feel like one more reminder of what your body couldn't do. For intended fathers in same-sex couples, the absence of a biological pregnancy connection can bring up questions about bonding and legitimacy as a parent. For single intended parents, the complexity of coordinating with a carrier while managing alone adds another layer of emotional weight.
Surrogacy support isn't about convincing you that you should feel only grateful. It's about holding space for everything you feel, the joy and the grief together, as you build your family in this remarkable way.
Why Intended Parents Choose Surrogacy
The road to surrogacy usually isn't the first choice. It's where people arrive after other paths closed.
Medical Necessity
Hysterectomy, uterine abnormalities, Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser (MRKH) syndrome, or other conditions that make pregnancy medically impossible or dangerous. You have eggs but no way to carry a pregnancy.
After Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
Multiple miscarriages, failed implantations, or recurrent pregnancy loss that your body can't sustain. You've tried and tried, and your doctor recommends a gestational carrier.
After Failed IVF Cycles
Failed IVF attempts that point to implantation issues rather than embryo quality. Your embryos look good but won't stick in your uterus.
Same-Sex Male Couples
Gay couples who need both an egg donor and a gestational carrier to become biological parents. A planned path from the beginning, but still emotionally complex.
Single Intended Parents
Single men or single women who cannot carry a pregnancy, pursuing parenthood without a partner. Coordinating surrogacy alone adds practical and emotional challenges.
Health Conditions
Cancer treatment that damaged reproductive organs, autoimmune conditions that make pregnancy dangerous, cardiac issues, or medications incompatible with pregnancy.
What Intended Parents Actually Feel
Surrogacy brings emotions that may surprise you. Not because something is wrong, but because this is an emotionally complex way to become a parent.
Grief for the Pregnancy Experience
Mourning what you won't have: feeling the baby kick, watching your belly grow, the physical bond of carrying your child. This grief is real even when you chose surrogacy, even when you're grateful.
Anxiety and Loss of Control
Your baby is growing in someone else's body. You can't control what she eats, how she sleeps, whether she follows medical advice. Trusting your gestational carrier when the stakes feel impossibly high.
Guilt and Shame
Guilt that your body couldn't do this. Shame about needing help with something that seems to come easily to others. Complicated feelings about "using" another woman's body, even when she chose this.
Jealousy You Don't Want to Feel
Jealousy toward your carrier who gets to feel your baby move. Resentment that she experiences what you wanted. These feelings don't mean you're a bad person or ungrateful.
Fear About Bonding
Will I feel like this baby's real parent? Will I bond if I wasn't pregnant? Will the baby bond with me? These fears are normal and, for most parents, unfounded once baby arrives.
Frustration with the Process
Surrogacy involves agencies, lawyers, contracts, escrow accounts, medical appointments you can't attend, and waiting. So much waiting. The bureaucracy of building your family this way is exhausting.
Financial Stress
Surrogacy costs between $100,000 and $200,000. Agency fees, carrier compensation, legal fees, medical costs, insurance. The financial pressure adds weight to an already emotional experience.
Isolation
Most people don't understand surrogacy. You can't share pregnancy updates the way other expectant parents do. The isolation of pursuing parenthood in a way few people relate to.
Your Relationship with Your Gestational Carrier
One of the most unique relationships you'll ever have. Not quite friendship, not quite business, something entirely its own.
Building Connection
How close should you be? Some intended parents and carriers become like family. Others maintain friendly distance. There's no right answer, only what works for your match. Finding the balance between connection and boundaries.
Communication Challenges
How often should she update you? What decisions does she make alone versus together? When something goes wrong, how do you talk about it? Communication issues are the most common source of conflict in surrogacy arrangements.
Managing Differences
She might parent differently than you would, have different values, make choices you wouldn't make. Remembering that she's carrying your baby, not parenting your baby. Separating pregnancy from parenthood.
Gratitude and Complexity
You're grateful beyond words for what she's doing. And you might also feel resentful, jealous, or frustrated. Gratitude and difficult emotions can exist together. Suppressing the hard feelings doesn't make them go away.
Birth and Beyond
What happens at delivery? Will she be in the room? Will she pump breast milk? What's the relationship after baby arrives? These decisions are emotional and require ongoing communication.
When Things Go Wrong
Miscarriage with a surrogate. Failed transfers. Medical complications. When surrogacy doesn't go as planned, the grief is compounded by the relationship dynamics and the financial loss.
Surrogacy for Same-Sex Couples and LGBTQ+ Intended Parents
Surrogacy is often the primary path to biological parenthood for gay men and some LGBTQ+ individuals. Unlike heterosexual couples who may arrive at surrogacy after infertility treatment, same-sex male couples typically plan for surrogacy from the start.
This different entry point brings its own emotional landscape. There may be less grief about "failed" bodies because pregnancy was never biologically possible between you. There may be more questions about which partner's sperm to use, whether to create embryos with both partners, and how to handle the genetic imbalance where one father is biologically related and one isn't.
LGBTQ+ intended parents also face legal complexities that vary by state, potential discrimination from agencies or carriers, and questions about parentage orders and birth certificates. Finding LGBTQ+-affirming surrogacy support matters.
Whose Sperm to Use
One of the first decisions, and often emotionally loaded. Some couples try with both partners' sperm. Some choose based on health factors or family history. Some struggle with this decision for months.
Egg Donor Selection
Gay male couples also need an egg donor, adding another layer to the process. Choosing donor characteristics, navigating donor relationships, and explaining the donor to your child someday.
Legal Protections
Parentage laws vary significantly. Some states require second-parent adoption even for married couples. A surrogacy lawyer who understands LGBTQ+ family law is essential.
Explaining Your Family
How do you tell your child their story? How do you handle questions from other people? LGBTQ+ families through surrogacy have unique narrative considerations.
Emotional Support Throughout the Surrogacy Process
Surrogacy unfolds over 12-24 months. Each phase brings different emotional challenges.
Deciding on Surrogacy
Processing the decision to pursue surrogacy. Grieving the pregnancy experience. Researching agencies and costs. Telling family and friends. Managing reactions.
Matching and Screening
Psychological evaluations required by ASRM guidelines. Matching with a gestational carrier. Building the initial relationship. Legal contracts. The waiting.
Medical Process
IVF and embryo creation. Embryo transfer to your carrier. The two-week wait. Beta results. Early pregnancy anxiety when you're not the one pregnant.
Pregnancy
Nine months of someone else carrying your baby. Ultrasound appointments. Feeling disconnected from the pregnancy. Managing the carrier relationship. Preparing for birth.
Birth and Delivery
Birth plan decisions. Being present at delivery. First moments with your baby. The hospital experience. Legal parentage paperwork. Saying goodbye to your carrier.
Coming Home
Bringing baby home. Bonding as parents. Adjusting to parenthood. Processing the surrogacy experience. Ongoing relationship with your carrier.
Long-term
How do you tell your child about surrogacy? Age-appropriate disclosure. Maintaining or ending carrier contact. Processing the experience as your child grows.
When Things Don't Go as Planned
Failed embryo transfers. Miscarriage with your carrier. Complications. When surrogacy doesn't work. Deciding whether to try again.
Surrogacy Counseling for Intended Parents
Therapy provides space for the emotions surrogacy brings up, with someone who understands this specific experience.
Grieving the Pregnancy Experience
Processing the grief of not carrying your own baby. This loss deserves acknowledgment even when surrogacy is the right choice. Your grief is valid.
Managing Anxiety
Someone else is carrying your baby and you can't control the pregnancy. Working through the anxiety of trusting another person with something so precious.
Relationship Support
Couples counseling for intended parents making surrogacy decisions together. Processing different feelings, managing stress, staying connected through this process.
Carrier Relationship Dynamics
Working through challenges in your relationship with your gestational carrier. Communication issues, boundary setting, conflict resolution, and gratitude.
Bonding Preparation
Addressing fears about bonding with a baby you didn't carry. Preparing for the emotional experience of birth and those first moments as parents.
Psychological Screening Support
ASRM guidelines recommend psychological evaluation for intended parents. I can help you prepare for screening and continue supporting you throughout the process.
Who Seeks Surrogacy Counseling?
Considering surrogacy and processing the decision to pursue this path to parenthood
Matched with a carrier and preparing for the emotional aspects of the process
In the pregnancy phase struggling with someone else carrying your baby
Preparing for birth and anxious about delivery, bonding, and bringing baby home
LGBTQ+ intended parents seeking affirming support specific to your experience
Single intended parents managing surrogacy without a partner
Grieving the pregnancy experience you won't have, even while grateful for surrogacy
Struggling with your carrier relationship and need support working through dynamics
Building your family through surrogacy is remarkable and emotionally complex. Support is available.
Schedule a ConsultationQuestions About Surrogacy and Emotional Support
Do intended parents need counseling during surrogacy?
Yes, counseling is strongly recommended and often required by surrogacy agencies and fertility clinics. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) guidelines recommend psychological consultation for all parties in gestational carrier arrangements. Beyond meeting requirements, intended parent counseling addresses emotions that surprise many people: grief for the pregnancy experience, anxiety about trusting someone else to carry your baby, relationship dynamics with your gestational carrier, fears about bonding, and processing the path that led you to surrogacy. These feelings don't mean something is wrong. They're a normal part of an emotionally complex process.
How do I bond with a baby born via surrogate?
Bonding with a baby born through surrogacy happens the same way it does for any parent: through consistent care, skin-to-skin contact, feeding, responding to cries, and time together. Research shows that parent-child attachment is built through caregiving behaviors, not pregnancy or genetics. Many intended parents worry they won't feel connected, but most report immediate bonding when they hold their baby for the first time. Some intended parents arrange for skin-to-skin immediately after birth or request that the gestational carrier pump breast milk for the baby. If bonding feels difficult, that's also normal and doesn't mean something is wrong with you or your baby. Therapy can help work through these feelings.
What is the psychological screening for surrogacy?
ASRM guidelines recommend psychological evaluation for both gestational carriers and intended parents before proceeding with surrogacy. For intended parents, screening typically includes an interview about your path to surrogacy, your understanding of the process, your expectations for the relationship with your carrier, your support system, and any mental health history. This isn't a pass/fail test designed to disqualify you. It's meant to ensure you're prepared for the emotional aspects of surrogacy and to identify areas where additional support might help. A fertility-specialized therapist can help you prepare for this screening and continue supporting you throughout the process.
How do I cope with someone else carrying my baby?
Having someone else carry your baby brings up feelings many intended parents don't expect: grief for the pregnancy experience you won't have, guilt about not being able to carry, anxiety about your carrier's choices and health, jealousy that she gets to feel your baby move, and fear about the birth and what comes after. These feelings are normal and don't mean you're ungrateful or that surrogacy was the wrong choice. Coping strategies include building a positive relationship with your carrier, staying involved through appointments and updates, working with a therapist who understands surrogacy, connecting with other intended parents who've been through this, and allowing yourself to grieve the pregnancy experience even while feeling grateful for your carrier.
Is surrogacy emotionally hard for intended parents?
Yes, surrogacy is emotionally complex for most intended parents, even when everything goes smoothly. The path to surrogacy often includes years of infertility, failed IVF cycles, pregnancy losses, or medical conditions that prevent pregnancy. You arrive at surrogacy carrying that history. Then you face new challenges: loss of control over the pregnancy, building a relationship with your gestational carrier, financial stress from surrogacy costs, the long wait during pregnancy when you're not the one pregnant, anxiety about the birth, and questions about how to tell your child their story. This doesn't mean surrogacy is too hard or that you shouldn't pursue it. It means you deserve support for the emotional weight of building your family this way.
Surrogacy Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin
Dancing Bee Counseling provides specialized surrogacy support from our Waunakee office. Telehealth sessions are available throughout Wisconsin.
🐝 Dancing Bee Counseling
Serving Dane County and Beyond:
Convenient for patients at UW Fertility, Forward Fertility, and Wisconsin Fertility Institute.
Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT
Reproductive Mental Health Specialist
I founded Dancing Bee Counseling because I saw how many people were struggling through fertility challenges without adequate support. Surrogacy brings its own specific emotional weight, different from infertility treatment, different from pregnancy loss, different from anything else.
I provide surrogacy counseling that honors the complexity of your experience. The gratitude and the grief together. The excitement and the anxiety. The joy of becoming a parent and the sadness of not carrying your baby yourself. All of it belongs here.
You're Building Your Family in a Remarkable Way
Surrogacy is extraordinary and emotionally complex. You deserve support that understands both the gift and the grief of this path to parenthood.
In-person in Waunakee · Telehealth throughout Wisconsin
The Unhelpful Comments
People say things that minimize the emotional weight of surrogacy. They don't understand.
"At Least You Don't Have to Be Pregnant"
Said as if pregnancy is only discomfort to avoid. As if you wouldn't give anything to experience it yourself. This comment dismisses the grief of missing the pregnancy experience you wanted.
"Must Be Nice to Have That Kind of Money"
Comments about surrogacy cost ignore that many intended parents go into significant debt, drain retirement savings, or receive help from family. The financial sacrifice is real and doesn't need judgment.
"Isn't That Weird, Someone Else Carrying Your Baby?"
Yes, it's complicated. No, you don't need strangers pointing that out. Questions that treat your family-building as entertainment or curiosity aren't helpful.
"Will the Baby Know Who Its Real Mom Is?"
You are the real parent. The gestational carrier is not the mother just because she carried the pregnancy. This question undermines your parenthood and reflects ignorance about surrogacy.
"Just Adopt Instead"
Adoption is not "instead of" surrogacy. They're different paths to parenthood with different considerations. And adoption isn't easier, faster, or cheaper. This comment dismisses your choice.
"At Least You'll Have a Baby"
The "at least" comment suggests you shouldn't have complicated feelings because the outcome is good. You can be grateful for surrogacy and still grieve what it cost you to get here.