Pregnancy After Loss Counseling
When the pregnancy you wanted brings terror instead of joy.
You're pregnant again after loss, and you thought you'd be happy. Instead, you're terrified. Every twinge sends you to the bathroom to check for bleeding. Every quiet moment without symptoms makes you panic. You can't let yourself believe this pregnancy will actually result in a baby. At Dancing Bee Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin, Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT provides specialized PAL support for the unique anxiety, grief, and trauma of pregnancy after miscarriage, stillbirth, or other loss.
Pregnant Again After Loss
You wanted this pregnancy so badly. After your loss, whether it was miscarriage, stillbirth, or TFMR, you grieved and hoped and tried again. And now you're pregnant. You should be overjoyed. But you're not. You're scared pregnant after loss, and the fear is overwhelming.
Rainbow pregnancy is supposed to be beautiful, hopeful, healing. Instead, it feels like waiting for disaster. You know too much now. You know that pregnancies don't always end with babies. You know that your body can betray you. The innocence is gone, replaced by hypervigilance and dread.
Maybe you can't feel joy at all. Maybe you feel guilty for being pregnant when your other baby died. Maybe you're afraid to bond with this baby because you know how much it hurts to lose them. Maybe you're terrified during pregnancy after loss and everyone keeps telling you to relax and enjoy it, as if that's possible.
Pregnancy after loss counseling provides support for the complex, often contradictory emotions of carrying a rainbow baby. You don't have to pretend you're okay or force yourself to feel happy. Your fear is valid, and help is available.
Common Experiences During Pregnancy After Loss
If you're pregnant after miscarriage, stillbirth, or other loss, these experiences are common.
Constant Fear and Anxiety
Anxiety during pregnancy after miscarriage is nearly universal. You're scared something will go wrong again. Fear of another miscarriage shadows every day. The terror can be paralyzing, making it hard to function normally.
Hypervigilance
Constantly monitoring your body for signs of trouble. Checking for bleeding multiple times a day. Analyzing every cramp, every lack of symptom. The hypervigilance is exhausting but feels necessary for survival.
Emotional Detachment
Afraid to bond with baby after loss. You're protecting yourself by not getting attached. Protective detachment feels safer than risking the pain of another loss. You might not talk to the baby, avoid using names, or refuse to think about the future.
Grief During Pregnancy
Grief during pregnancy is confusing. You're carrying new life while mourning the baby you lost. The new pregnancy doesn't replace the lost one. Mixed emotions and conflicted feelings are normal.
Guilt
Guilt about being pregnant again. Guilt about wanting this baby. Guilt if you feel hopeful, as if that betrays your lost child. Guilt if you can't feel joy. Guilt about everything.
Can't Enjoy Pregnancy
Can't enjoy pregnancy after loss because you're too scared. Other people expect you to be excited, but you're just trying to survive each day. The inability to feel the happiness everyone assumes you have.
Appointment Anxiety
Ultrasound anxiety before every scan. Heart pounding in the waiting room. Terror during doppler checks, waiting to hear the heartbeat. OB appointments become sources of dread rather than reassurance.
PTSD Symptoms
Pregnancy after loss PTSD is real. Flashbacks to the moment you learned of your loss. Nightmares. Panic attacks triggered by medical settings, ultrasound rooms, or pregnancy-related content. Trauma responses throughout this pregnancy.
The Weight of Gestational Milestones
When you've experienced pregnancy loss, every week of a subsequent pregnancy carries weight. Each week milestone is something you didn't reach before, or a reminder of exactly when things went wrong.
First Trimester Anxiety
The first 12-13 weeks feel endless. First trimester anxiety is intense because this is when many losses occur. You're counting down weeks, holding your breath, waiting to be "safe."
Passing the Point of Loss
Getting further than last time brings a complicated mix of relief and grief. Passing the week when you lost your previous pregnancy is significant, sometimes triggering rather than comforting.
Viability at 24 Weeks
The viability milestone around 24 weeks feels like a finish line. If the baby came now, they might survive. Some people find relief here; others find the anxiety just shifts to new worries.
Anniversary of Loss During Pregnancy
If your loss anniversary falls during this pregnancy, that date holds extra weight. Anniversary of loss during pregnancy can trigger intense grief and fear even if this pregnancy is going well.
Each Week Is a Victory
Other pregnant people count down to their due date. You count up from conception, celebrating each week milestone as a small victory in a war you're not sure you'll win.
Behaviors Common in Pregnancy After Loss
These protective behaviors make sense given what you've been through.
Avoiding Baby Preparations
Not buying baby items, not setting up nursery, not washing tiny clothes. Avoiding baby preparations feels like protection against jinxing it. If you don't prepare, maybe the disappointment will hurt less.
Not Announcing Pregnancy
Hiding pregnancy as long as possible. Not telling people because you'd have to un-tell them if something goes wrong. The secrecy that felt necessary after your loss.
Home Doppler Use
Using a home doppler obsessively to check for heartbeat. Heartbeat anxiety between appointments drives you to check, sometimes multiple times daily. The relief is temporary.
Checking for Bleeding
Constant bathroom trips to check for bleeding. The vigilance that never stops. Every time you wipe, you're holding your breath.
Constant Symptom Monitoring
Tracking every pregnancy symptom obsessively. Panicking if nausea decreases. The reassurance seeking through symptom analysis that you know isn't rational but can't stop.
Superstitious Behaviors
Magical thinking and superstitious behaviors that you know don't make sense but feel necessary. Avoiding certain words, activities, or plans because they might jinx the pregnancy.
Pregnancy After Different Types of Loss
The type of loss you experienced shapes your PAL journey. Each brings its own specific fears.
Pregnant After Miscarriage
Pregnant after miscarriage brings fear of another miscarriage, especially in early weeks. First trimester is particularly terrifying. You might have experienced one loss or multiple, each adding to the fear. Pregnant after miscarriage support focuses on managing the anxiety of early pregnancy when loss feels most likely.
Pregnant After Stillbirth
Pregnancy after stillbirth anxiety is unique because you know pregnancy can fail at any point, even late. Kick counts become obsessive. The fear doesn't ease after the first trimester because your loss happened later. Every quiet moment from the baby triggers panic.
Pregnant After TFMR
Subsequent pregnancy after termination for medical reasons carries unique weight. Fear of another diagnosis, guilt about wanting this pregnancy, anxiety about genetic testing. The additional scans and MFM appointments that come with high-risk pregnancy after TFMR.
Pregnancy After Recurrent Loss
After multiple losses, pregnancy after recurrent loss feels nearly impossible to trust. You've been pregnant before, maybe many times. Each one ended. Why would this time be different? The accumulation of trauma makes this pregnancy particularly fraught.
Therapy for Pregnancy After Loss
Pregnancy after loss therapy provides specific support for the unique challenges of PAL.
Processing Ongoing Trauma
Your previous loss was traumatic, and this pregnancy is triggering that trauma. We work on processing what happened before while you navigate what's happening now. PTSD during pregnancy needs specialized attention.
Managing Anxiety
Coping with pregnancy after miscarriage or other loss requires anxiety management strategies. We develop techniques for the moments of peak fear: before appointments, during waits, when symptoms change. How to cope with pregnancy after loss on a practical, daily level.
Navigating Grief During Joy
This pregnancy doesn't erase your loss. We hold space for grief during pregnancy, allowing you to mourn the baby you lost while cautiously welcoming this one. Both feelings can coexist.
Building Cautious Hope
You're not going to feel innocent joy, and that's okay. We work on cautious hope: allowing yourself to hope a little while accepting uncertainty. Rainbow pregnancy anxiety doesn't have to mean no hope at all.
Preparing for Triggers
Certain weeks, appointments, and situations will be harder. We plan for these in advance: the anatomy scan, the gestational age of your loss, the anniversary. Having a plan reduces the ambush quality of triggers.
Supporting Bonding When Possible
When you're ready, if you're ready, we work on connecting with this pregnancy. Not forcing it. Not pretending. Just creating space for attachment if and when it feels safe enough to try.
Extra Monitoring and High-Risk Care
Pregnancy following loss often involves additional medical monitoring. This can be reassuring and anxiety-provoking simultaneously.
MFM Specialists
Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors for high-risk pregnancy monitoring. Extra expertise can feel reassuring, but being labeled "high-risk" also increases anxiety.
Additional Scans
More frequent ultrasounds than typical pregnancy. Additional scans provide reassurance but also more opportunities for anxiety. Each ultrasound is both longed for and dreaded.
Cervical Checks
If cervical insufficiency was a factor, cervical checks and possibly cerclage. More procedures, more appointments, more anxiety.
Kick Counts
Formal kick counts to monitor baby's movement. These can become obsessive, especially after stillbirth. Every quiet period triggers panic.
Emotional support pregnancy after loss complements medical care. Your doctors monitor the physical pregnancy; therapy supports your mental health through the experience.
Who Seeks Pregnancy After Loss Support?
Newly pregnant after loss and already struggling with fear and anxiety
In the first trimester of a rainbow pregnancy, counting every day
Approaching the gestational age when you lost your previous pregnancy
Can't bond with this pregnancy because you're protecting yourself
Experiencing PTSD symptoms triggered by this pregnancy
Having panic attacks at OB appointments or ultrasounds
Feeling guilty about being pregnant or about wanting to be happy
Partner or family member worried about someone pregnant after loss
Wherever you are in your rainbow pregnancy, you deserve support designed for your experience.
Schedule a ConsultationQuestions About Pregnancy After Loss
How do I cope with pregnancy after loss?
How to cope with pregnancy after loss involves several strategies. Accept that your experience will be different from other pregnancies and that you won't feel innocent excitement. Take the pregnancy one day at a time rather than projecting into the future. Have a plan for managing anxiety at appointments. Find at least one person who validates your fear rather than dismissing it. Consider pregnancy after loss counseling with a specialized therapist. Create rituals that honor your lost baby while welcoming this one. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel: fear, hope, grief, guilt, all of it. Most importantly, know that coping with pregnancy after miscarriage or other loss is hard, and struggling doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
Is it normal to be terrified during pregnancy after loss?
Yes, being scared pregnant after loss is completely normal and almost universal. You've learned that pregnancy doesn't always end with a baby. Your brain and body remember the trauma. Fear of another miscarriage or loss is a rational response to what you've experienced, not a sign that something is wrong. Rainbow pregnancy anxiety doesn't mean you don't want this baby. It means you know what's at stake. While some level of fear is expected, if terror is consuming your life, affecting your functioning, or causing PTSD symptoms, pregnancy after loss therapy can help you manage the anxiety so it's not running your life.
Why can't I bond with my baby after previous loss?
Being afraid to bond with baby after loss is a protective mechanism. You've experienced the devastation of losing a pregnancy you were attached to. Your brain is trying to protect you from experiencing that pain again by keeping emotional distance. Protective detachment, emotional detachment during pregnancy, and refusing to let yourself attach are all common in subsequent pregnancy after loss. This doesn't mean you don't love this baby or won't bond eventually. It means you're scared. Some people find bonding comes gradually as the pregnancy progresses. Others don't fully attach until after birth, and that's okay too. Counseling for pregnancy after miscarriage can help you explore when and how bonding might feel safe for you.
When does pregnancy after loss anxiety get better?
There's no specific week when anxiety during pregnancy after miscarriage or other loss magically lifts. Some people feel better after passing the gestational age of their loss. Others find relief at viability around 24 weeks. Many find the anxiety shifts but doesn't disappear: first worrying about miscarriage, then about anatomy scans, then about stillbirth, then about labor. For some, anxiety doesn't fully resolve until they're holding a living baby. The goal of PAL support isn't to eliminate all anxiety, which isn't realistic, but to make it manageable enough that you can function and even find moments of hope or connection during the pregnancy.
Should I get therapy during pregnancy after loss?
Therapy for pregnant after loss can be extremely helpful, especially if: your anxiety is severe enough to affect daily functioning, you're having panic attacks at appointments, PTSD symptoms from your previous loss are being triggered, you're completely unable to feel any hope or connection, your relationships are strained by your fear, or you simply want professional support through a difficult experience. You don't need to be in crisis to benefit from pregnancy after loss counseling. Emotional support pregnancy after loss can help you develop coping strategies, process grief, manage anxiety, and navigate the unique challenges of rainbow pregnancy. A PAL therapist understands what you're going through in ways general therapists may not.
Why See a PAL-Specialized Therapist?
Understanding Rainbow Pregnancy
I understand that rainbow pregnancy support requires acknowledging the baby who came before, not just focusing on this pregnancy. The complexity of grief and hope existing simultaneously.
Recognizing PAL-Specific Anxiety
Anxiety during pregnancy after miscarriage or other loss has specific features different from general pregnancy anxiety. I know why ultrasounds are terrifying, why you can't buy baby items, why certain weeks feel impossible.
Working with High-Risk Context
I understand the high-risk pregnancy experience: extra monitoring, MFM appointments, the way medical reassurance doesn't fully reassure. The complexity of pregnancy after loss care.
ASRM Training
My training through the American Society for Reproductive Medicine prepared me specifically for pregnancy loss and subsequent pregnancy challenges, including the unique mental health needs of PAL.
Pregnancy After Loss Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin
Dancing Bee Counseling provides specialized PAL support from our Waunakee office. Telehealth sessions are available throughout Wisconsin.
🐝 Dancing Bee Counseling
Serving Dane County and Beyond:
Support available when leaving the house feels too hard.
Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT
Reproductive Mental Health Specialist
I founded Dancing Bee Counseling because I saw how many people were suffering through pregnancy after loss without adequate support. Everyone expects you to be happy. No one understands why you can't enjoy this. You're supposed to be grateful, hopeful, excited. And you're just trying to survive.
I provide rainbow pregnancy support that honors the reality of PAL: the fear, the grief, the guilt, the hope that's afraid to exist. You don't have to pretend with me. You can be terrified and still want this baby. You can grieve your lost child and welcome this one. All of it can be true, and all of it belongs in therapy.
You Don't Have to Be Okay
Pregnancy after loss is hard. You don't have to pretend to be happy, and you don't have to suffer through alone. A consultation is simply a conversation about what you're experiencing.
In-person in Waunakee · Telehealth throughout Wisconsin