Donor Conception Counseling
Building your family through the generosity of others.
Whether you're considering donor eggs, donor sperm, or donor embryos, the path to parenthood through third party reproduction is emotionally complex. You're gaining the chance to become a parent while grieving the genetic connection you expected. At Dancing Bee Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin, Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT provides specialized therapy for donor recipients navigating donor conception: the decision, the process, and the lifelong journey of building a donor conceived family.
Understanding Donor Conception
Donor conception, also called third party reproduction or collaborative reproduction, means using donor gametes (eggs or sperm) or donor embryos to build your family. This path becomes necessary when your own genetic material won't lead to pregnancy, whether due to male factor infertility, diminished ovarian reserve, genetic concerns, or other medical reasons.
For most people, donor conception isn't the first choice. It comes after failed treatment cycles, difficult diagnoses, or the realization that your own gametes won't work. Moving to donor conception means letting go of one dream of parenthood to embrace another. That transition deserves support.
Gamete donation takes different forms: using an egg donor, using a sperm donor, or receiving donated embryos from another couple. Each path has its own emotional landscape, but all share common themes: grief over genetic connection, questions about bonding, decisions about disclosure, and the complex gratitude of receiving such a profound gift.
Donor conception counseling provides emotional support donor conception recipients need throughout this journey: from decision-making through disclosure and beyond. You don't have to process these complex emotions alone.
Types of Donor Conception
Each form of donor conception has unique emotional considerations.
Donor Eggs
Donor egg counseling addresses the unique experience of using another woman's eggs while carrying the pregnancy yourself. Donor egg IVF is often recommended after diminished ovarian reserve, poor egg quality, or multiple failed IVF cycles.
Options include:
- Fresh donor eggs (synchronized cycle with egg donor)
- Frozen donor eggs from a donor egg bank
- Known egg donor (family member or friend)
- Anonymous egg donor through agency
The donor egg recipient carries the pregnancy and gives birth, creating biological connection through gestation even without genetic connection. You shape your baby's development through your body, your nutrition, your blood.
Donor Sperm
Donor sperm counseling supports individuals and couples using sperm donation to conceive. This path serves those with male factor infertility, single women, and same-sex female couples.
Options include:
- IUI with donor sperm (donor insemination)
- IVF with donor sperm
- Sperm bank selection
- Known sperm donor (friend or family)
- Identity-release donor (open-ID)
For heterosexual couples, donor sperm means the male partner loses genetic connection to the child while the female partner retains hers. This asymmetry creates unique couple tensions that deserve attention.
Donor Embryos
Donor embryo support addresses the experience of receiving donated embryos from another couple or individual. Sometimes called embryo adoption, embryo donation means neither partner has genetic connection to the child.
Embryos come from:
- Couples who completed their families through IVF
- Individuals with remaining embryos after treatment
- Embryo donation programs
- Sometimes created specifically for donation
Donor embryos offer a path when both partners face genetic limitations, when cost is a significant factor, or when couples want the pregnancy experience without genetic connection. The recipient carries and births the child.
What Donor Recipients Feel
Coping with using donor gametes brings complex emotions. Processing donor conception emotions takes time, and all these feelings are valid.
Grief and Genetic Mourning
Grieving genetic connection is the foundation of coming to terms with donor conception. You're losing the biological child you imagined, the genetic legacy, the family resemblance. Grief counseling helps process this loss before, during, and after treatment.
Ambivalence
Wanting a baby desperately while wishing you didn't need a donor. Feeling grateful for the option while mourning that you need it. Ambivalence doesn't mean you're not ready. It means you're human.
Fear and Bonding Concerns
Will I bond with donor conceived baby who isn't genetically mine? Will I feel like a real parent? These universal fears deserve attention. Research consistently shows parents bond with donor conceived children just as deeply as genetic children.
Shame and Guilt
Shame about needing help, as if your body failed. Guilt about not giving your partner or family a genetic child. Shame that society sometimes reinforces by treating donor conception as "less than."
Envy
Envy of people who conceive with their own gametes. Even envy of the donor whose eggs or sperm work when yours don't. Envy that feels ugly but is completely understandable.
Hope and Gratitude
Despite the grief, there's hope. Donor conception often has high success rates. Gratitude for the donor who makes this possible. Hope and grief coexist; they don't cancel each other out.
Donor Conception Decision Support
Deciding on donor conception is one of the most significant decisions in your fertility journey.
Are You Ready?
Ready for donor conception doesn't mean being thrilled. It means having processed enough grief to move forward, understanding what donor conception means for your family, and feeling able to embrace this path even with lingering sadness.
Grieving First
Before fully embracing donor conception, you need space to grieve. Loss of genetic connection is real loss. Rushing past grief often means it surfaces later, sometimes after your child is born, making bonding harder.
Partner Alignment
If you're in a couple, partner feelings may differ. One of you may be ready before the other. With donor eggs or sperm, one partner loses genetic connection while the other doesn't. Couples counseling navigates this asymmetry.
Understanding Implications
Donor conception has lifelong implications: for you, your child, your family. Understanding what it means to have a donor conceived child, how you'll handle disclosure, and what role the donor plays helps you make informed decisions.
Taking Time
Some people decide quickly; others need months. There's pressure from biological clocks, but rushing this decision often backfires. Donor conception decision support means exploring without pressure.
Which Type?
If you need both donor eggs and sperm, do you use both donors or consider donor embryos? Each has different emotional implications. We help you explore which path fits your family vision.
Choosing a Donor
Donor selection brings emotional challenges beyond the practical decisions.
Known vs. Anonymous Donor
Known donor (someone you know personally) versus anonymous donor from a bank or agency. Each has different emotional implications. Open donation and identity-release donor options are increasingly available, allowing future contact even with initially anonymous donors. Your child's future needs matter alongside your current preferences.
Reviewing Donor Profiles
Looking through donor profiles can feel strange, clinical, uncomfortable. Evaluating donor characteristics like appearance, health history, education, personality. Matching with donor who feels "right" when nothing about this feels right yet. We help process these complex feelings.
What Matters to You
Physical resemblance to you or your partner? Health history? Educational background? Personality? Deciding what donor characteristics matter most, and sitting with the discomfort of "choosing" these things for your future child.
Half-Siblings and Donor Siblings
Your child may have half-siblings from the same donor. These donor siblings are increasingly finding each other through DNA testing and registries. How do you feel about that? Do you want to know? Do you want them to know each other?
Will I Bond With My Donor Conceived Baby?
This fear haunts almost every donor recipient: will I bond with donor conceived baby who isn't genetically mine? Will I feel like a real parent? Will I love this child the way I would have loved a genetic child?
The fear is universal and understandable. Donor conception and identity feel uncertain when society emphasizes genetic connection. "She has your eyes." "He looks just like you." What happens when those statements don't apply?
Research and lived experience consistently show that parents bond with donor conceived children just as deeply as with genetic children. If you're the birth parent, the pregnancy, the birth, the daily care: these create bonds that genetics don't determine. If you're the non-birth parent, presence and love create attachment, not DNA.
The fear of not bonding is normal to feel beforehand. Feeling it doesn't mean it will come true. Most donor conception parents report that once they hold their baby, the genetic question fades. The child is simply theirs.
What Creates Parent-Child Bonds:
- Carrying the pregnancy (if applicable)
- Being present at birth
- Daily caregiving
- Feeding, holding, comforting
- Being there through milestones
- Love given and received over time
- Shared experiences and memories
Genetics are notably absent from this list.
Donor Conception Disclosure Counseling
Who do you tell? When? How? These decisions have lifelong implications.
Telling the Child
Current best practices strongly support telling child about donor conception, ideally from early childhood. Children integrate donor conception as a normal part of their identity when they've always known, rather than experiencing it as a shocking revelation. Donor conceived family counseling helps you plan age-appropriate conversations and ongoing dialogue.
Why Early Disclosure Matters
Donor offspring who learn their origins as adults often report feeling betrayed, even when parents meant well. DNA testing makes discovery increasingly likely anyway. Secrets create shame even when unspoken. Children have a right to know their genetic history for medical and identity reasons.
Telling Family
Family reactions vary widely. Some embrace donor conception fully; others struggle. Grandparents may grieve the genetic connection they expected. You get to decide who knows, when, and how much detail to share. Your child's story is ultimately theirs to tell.
Navigating Questions
"She looks just like you!" when she's not genetically yours. Questions about family resemblance, medical history, ancestry. We help you develop comfortable responses and navigate awkward moments without disclosing more than you want to.
Third Party Reproduction Therapy
Donor conception psychological support addresses each stage of the journey.
Processing Grief
Grief counseling for loss of genetic connection. This grief needs space before, during, and sometimes after your child arrives. Coming to terms with donor conception requires mourning what you're letting go of.
Decision Support
If you're still deciding, therapy provides space to explore without pressure. Donor conception decision support means examining readiness, processing feelings, and making informed choices aligned with your values.
Couple Support
Partners often have different feelings and timelines. When one loses genetic connection and one doesn't, the asymmetry needs attention. Couples therapy helps navigate these differences together.
Donor Selection Support
Navigating donor selection emotionally, not just practically. Processing feelings about choosing someone else's genetics for your child. The strange intimacy of reviewing donor profiles and selecting a donor.
Pregnancy Support
Pregnancy after donor conception brings unique emotions. Am I allowed to feel connected? Is this really my baby? Processing complex feelings during pregnancy when hormones and anticipation are high.
Post-Birth Support
After your donor conceived child arrives, new questions arise. Bonding, disclosure planning, integrating this reality into your identity as a parent. Donor conception journey support continues past delivery.
Who Seeks Donor Conception Counseling?
Just learned you need donor eggs, sperm, or embryos and processing the shock
Considering donor conception but not sure if you're ready
Decided on donor conception but grieving the genetic connection
In a donor cycle and need emotional support through the process
Pregnant via donor with complicated feelings to process
Have a donor conceived child and processing ongoing emotions
Partner of someone using donor gametes, with your own feelings
Planning disclosure and need guidance on how to tell your child
Wherever you are in the donor conception journey, support for donor recipients is available.
Schedule a ConsultationQuestions About Donor Conception
How do I cope emotionally with using donor eggs, sperm, or embryos?
Coping with using donor gametes starts with acknowledging that this is a loss even as it's also an opportunity. Allow yourself to grieve the genetic connection you won't have. Don't rush past sadness to reach gratitude. Processing donor conception emotions takes time, and that's okay. Find support from a therapist who specializes in third party reproduction therapy, connect with others who've been through it, and give yourself permission to feel ambivalent even after you've decided. Many people find their complicated feelings resolve once they hold their baby, but the pre-birth journey can be emotionally complex.
Will I bond with a baby conceived through donor conception?
Will I bond with donor conceived baby is the most common fear among recipients, and the answer is overwhelmingly yes. Research consistently shows that parents bond with donor conceived children just as strongly as with genetic children. If you carry the pregnancy, you create biological connection through gestation. If you're the non-gestational parent, bonding happens through presence, care, and love over time. The fear of not bonding is normal to feel beforehand, but it rarely reflects reality once the baby arrives. Genetics determine some traits, but they don't determine love.
Should I tell my child they were donor conceived?
Current best practices strongly recommend telling child about donor conception origins. Donor conceived family counseling supports disclosure because: children have a right to know their genetic history, secrets create shame even when unspoken, DNA testing makes discovery increasingly likely, and donor offspring who learn as adults often feel betrayed. The question isn't whether to tell but how and when. Starting early, even before your child can understand, normalizes the information as part of their story. Donor conception disclosure counseling helps you develop age-appropriate language and plan for ongoing conversations as your child grows.
What's the difference between known and anonymous donors?
Known donor means someone you already know personally (friend, family member) who provides eggs or sperm. Anonymous donor means selecting from a donor egg bank, sperm bank, or agency without personal acquaintance. Many anonymous donors are now identity-release donors (open-ID), meaning the donor offspring can access identifying information when they reach adulthood. Known donors: you know full history, your child can know their genetic parent, but family relationships can get complex. Anonymous donors: clearer boundaries initially, but your child may have questions later. Consider your child's future needs alongside your current preferences.
Is counseling required for donor conception?
Many fertility clinics require at least one session of donor conception psychological support before proceeding with donor egg, donor sperm, or donor embryo treatment. This consultation ensures you understand the implications and have considered disclosure. Beyond this required session, ongoing therapy for donor recipients is optional but highly beneficial. Donor conception counseling helps with grief, decision-making, the treatment process, couple issues, and post-birth adjustment. The emotional complexity of third party reproduction deserves specialized support. Dancing Bee Counseling provides this throughout your donor conception journey.
Why See a Donor Conception Specialist?
Understanding Third Party Reproduction
I understand the specific emotional landscape of donor conception: the grief, the ambivalence, the bonding fears, the disclosure questions. Donor conception counseling requires specialized knowledge that general therapists often lack.
Honoring the Grief
I won't rush you past grief to gratitude. I understand that you can grieve genetic connection AND be excited about your future child. Both feelings deserve space. Grieving genetic connection is part of the process, not an obstacle to overcome.
Long-Term Perspective
I understand that donor conception has lifelong implications: for you, your child, your family. We'll consider not just your current feelings but what your donor conceived child will need to know and how your family will grow over time.
ASRM Training
My training through the American Society for Reproductive Medicine specifically addressed third party reproduction, including the psychological aspects of egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, and collaborative reproduction.
Donor Conception Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin
Dancing Bee Counseling provides specialized donor conception support from our Waunakee office. Telehealth sessions are available throughout Wisconsin.
🐝 Dancing Bee Counseling
Serving Dane County and Beyond:
Convenient for patients at UW Fertility, Forward Fertility, and Wisconsin Fertility Institute.
Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT
Reproductive Mental Health Specialist
I founded Dancing Bee Counseling because I saw how many people were suffering through fertility journeys without adequate support. Donor conception is one of the most emotionally complex parts of that journey. You're asked to grieve and hope simultaneously, to let go of one dream while building another.
I provide support for donor recipients that honors the complexity of third party reproduction. You're allowed to feel sad even while you're grateful. You're allowed to grieve even while you're excited. This isn't a simple happy ending. It's a real, emotionally rich journey to parenthood that deserves specialized support.
This Path Deserves Support
Donor conception is emotionally complex. You don't have to navigate it alone. A consultation is simply a conversation about where you are and how support might help.
In-person in Waunakee · Telehealth throughout Wisconsin