Supporting Your Partner Through Infertility
You want to help, but you don't know what to say or do. Everything you try seems to make things worse. You're not alone in feeling lost.
Dancing Bee Counseling provides support for partners who are trying to show up for someone they love during infertility. Learning how to be present, what to say (and what not to say), and how to care for yourself while supporting your partner can strengthen your relationship during this difficult time. Sometimes the best support starts with getting support yourself.
When Someone You Love is Struggling
Watching your partner go through infertility is painful in ways you might not have expected. You want to fix things, but this isn't something you can fix. You want to say the right thing, but everything seems to fall flat or make it worse. You're grieving too, but your partner's pain feels more urgent, so you push your own feelings aside.
You might feel helpless, frustrated, or scared. You might not fully understand what your partner is experiencing physically and emotionally. You might be coping differently, which creates distance between you. And you might be exhausted from trying to be strong when you're struggling too.
Supporting a partner through infertility isn't about having the right answers. It's about being present, listening without fixing, validating without minimizing, and staying connected even when it's hard. These skills can be learned, and getting support for yourself makes you a better support for your partner.
Whether you're looking for individual support to process your own experience, couples counseling to strengthen your relationship, or simply want to learn how to show up better for your partner, help is available.
What to Say (And What Not to Say)
Words matter. Knowing what helps and what hurts can improve how you support your partner.
Things That Help
These phrases validate feelings and create connection:
"I'm so sorry you're going through this."
"This is really hard. I'm here with you."
"What do you need from me right now?"
"I don't know what to say, but I love you."
"It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling."
"We're in this together, no matter what."
Things That Hurt
These phrases minimize pain, even when well-intentioned:
"Just relax and it will happen."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"At least you can keep trying."
"Have you tried [diet/supplement/position]?"
"You can always adopt."
"Maybe it's not meant to be."
Ways to Show Up for Your Partner
Support isn't just about words. These actions demonstrate love and care.
Listen Without Fixing
Your partner doesn't need solutions. They need to feel heard. Resist the urge to offer advice or silver linings. Just listen.
Show Up for Appointments
When possible, attend doctor visits, ultrasounds, and procedures. Your presence matters even when you can't do anything else.
Educate Yourself
Learn about infertility, treatment options, and what your partner is experiencing. Don't make them explain everything to you.
Handle the Logistics
Manage insurance calls, pharmacy pickups, appointment scheduling. Take things off your partner's plate during hard times.
Be the Buffer
Handle difficult family questions, decline baby shower invitations, or manage social situations so your partner doesn't have to.
Ask What They Need
Don't assume. Sometimes they need space, sometimes closeness. Sometimes distraction, sometimes to process. Ask and follow their lead.
Offer Physical Comfort
A hug, holding hands, physical presence when words aren't enough. Let them cry without trying to stop the tears.
Be Patient
This journey takes time and has no clear endpoint. Don't rush the process or imply they should be "over it" by now.
Reassure Your Love
Remind them that your love isn't conditional on having children. That you chose them, and you'd choose them again.
Your Feelings Are Valid
Being the supporting partner doesn't mean you're not affected. You're allowed to struggle too.
Grieving the family you imagined together
Anxious about outcomes and the unknown
Helpless because you can't fix this
Frustrated that it's taking so long
Lonely because no one asks how you're doing
Exhausted from being strong for both of you
Guilty for having moments of not wanting to try anymore
Silenced because your partner's pain seems bigger
Your feelings deserve space too. Processing them somewhere appropriate, whether with a therapist, trusted friend, or support group, makes you a better partner. You can't pour from an empty cup.
Mistakes Well-Meaning Partners Make
Recognizing these patterns can help you avoid them.
Trying to Fix Everything
Jumping to solutions, researching treatments, offering suggestions. Sometimes your partner just needs to be heard, not fixed. Resist the urge to problem-solve unless they specifically ask for help brainstorming.
Hiding Your Own Feelings
Pretending you're fine so your partner doesn't have to worry about you. This creates distance and prevents you from processing your own grief. Find appropriate places to feel your feelings.
Excessive Optimism
Constant positivity can feel dismissive. "It will work next time" or "stay positive" minimizes the real pain of right now. Make space for sadness alongside hope.
Comparing Grief
Implying your partner's grief is more valid than yours, or feeling your grief doesn't count because you're not the one with the diagnosis or undergoing procedures. Both partners hurt.
Withdrawing
Pulling back emotionally because you don't know what to do. Your partner notices and may interpret it as not caring. Staying present, even awkwardly, is better than distance.
Imposing Timelines
Expecting your partner to recover from disappointments quickly or be ready to try again on your timeline. Grief has no schedule. Let them set the pace.
Supporting Through IVF and Treatment
Fertility treatment adds another layer of stress. Your partner may be dealing with hormone injections, invasive procedures, side effects, and the emotional weight of each cycle. Here's how to help during active treatment.
Learn to help with injections if your partner wants support with them
Know the treatment schedule and what's happening at each stage
Understand that hormones cause real mood changes, don't take reactions personally
Be present for retrieval, transfer, and results day
Support during the two-week wait without adding pressure
Support for Partners and Couples
I provide therapy for individuals and couples navigating infertility together.
Individual Support
A space for you to process your own feelings about infertility. Your grief, helplessness, and fears deserve attention too, not just your partner's.
Couples Counseling
Work together on communication, staying connected, making decisions, and protecting your relationship through this challenge.
Communication Skills
Learn how to talk about infertility in ways that create connection rather than distance. What to say, how to listen, when to give space.
Bridging Different Styles
When you cope differently than your partner, it can feel like you're not in sync. Learn to support each other even when your approaches differ.
Intimacy Support
When infertility has affected your intimate life, learn how to reconnect physically and emotionally as a couple.
Decision Support
When you disagree about treatment, next steps, or when to stop, having a neutral space to work through these decisions together.
Signs Your Partner Needs Professional Support
Depression: persistent sadness, hopelessness, loss of interest
Anxiety: constant worry, panic, inability to relax
Withdrawal from activities, relationships, or you
Sleep or appetite changes that persist
Inability to function at work or daily life
Increased use of alcohol or other substances
Expressing hopelessness about the future
Any mention of self-harm or not wanting to be here
If you're concerned about your partner, suggesting therapy together can feel less threatening than suggesting they need help alone.
Schedule a ConsultationWho Benefits from Partner Support
You don't know what to say or do when your partner is struggling
You're grieving too but don't have space to process it
You're frustrated by feeling helpless
You feel like the forgotten partner in this journey
Your relationship is strained by infertility
You and your partner cope very differently
You disagree about treatment decisions
You want to be a better support but need guidance
Questions About Supporting Your Partner
How do I support my partner through infertility?
Supporting a partner through infertility means being present without trying to fix what can't be fixed. Listen more than you talk. Validate their feelings without minimizing them. Show up for appointments when possible. Learn about the process so you understand what they're going through physically and emotionally. Don't offer solutions unless asked. Recognize that their grief is real even though there's no tangible loss others can see. Ask what they need rather than assuming. Be patient with mood swings, sadness, and anxiety. Most importantly, remind them you're in this together and that your love isn't conditional on having children.
What should I not say to someone going through infertility?
Avoid statements that minimize the experience: "Just relax and it will happen," "Everything happens for a reason," "At least you can keep trying," "Have you tried [remedy/diet]?" "You can always adopt," or "Maybe it's not meant to be." Don't share success stories of people who got pregnant after giving up or trying something specific. Avoid comparing their situation to others or suggesting their lifestyle caused the infertility. Don't ask invasive questions about their treatment or timeline. Never imply they're not trying hard enough or that they should be "over it" by now. Even well-intentioned comments can feel dismissive of the real grief and struggle your partner is experiencing.
How do I cope with my partner's infertility when I feel helpless?
Feeling helpless while your partner goes through infertility is incredibly common, especially when you want to fix things but can't. First, recognize that being present IS helping, even when it doesn't feel like enough. Find concrete ways to contribute: manage logistics, handle insurance calls, research options, prepare for appointments, or take over household tasks during difficult times. Process your own feelings somewhere appropriate, whether with a therapist, trusted friend, or support group, so you don't burden your partner with needing to comfort you about their own struggle. Accept that you can't fix this but you can be a steady, supportive presence. If your feelings of helplessness are overwhelming, individual or couples therapy can help.
Should we do couples counseling for infertility?
Couples counseling for infertility can be extremely helpful, even for couples who communicate well and have strong relationships. Infertility puts unique pressure on partnerships: different coping styles, disagreements about treatment, intimacy challenges, and the ongoing stress of hope and disappointment. A therapist who specializes in infertility understands these specific challenges and can help couples communicate better, make decisions together, process grief both individually and as a unit, and protect their relationship through this difficult time. You don't have to wait until you're in crisis. Many couples find that starting counseling early gives them tools to handle whatever comes.
How do I support my wife/husband through IVF?
Supporting a partner through IVF requires understanding what they're experiencing physically and emotionally. For the person going through the medical procedures: attend appointments when possible, help with injections if needed, understand that hormones cause real mood changes, be patient with physical discomfort, and don't take emotional reactions personally. Be present for the big moments like retrieval and transfer, and be prepared for the emotional rollercoaster of the two-week wait. For both partners: educate yourself about the process, manage expectations together, have a plan for how you'll handle both positive and negative outcomes, protect time for connection that isn't about treatment, and acknowledge that IVF is hard on the relationship too.
Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT
Infertility Couples Specialist
I work with both individuals and couples navigating infertility. I understand that partners often feel overlooked in the fertility journey, expected to be strong while processing their own grief and fear. Your experience matters too.
As a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine with specialized training in fertility counseling, I help partners learn how to support each other, communicate through difficult decisions, and protect their relationship during this challenging time.
Whether you're looking for individual support to process your own feelings or couples counseling to strengthen your partnership, I'm here to help.
More About AbbyPartner Support Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin
Dancing Bee Counseling
Office Address
101 E Main St, Suite 4
Waunakee, WI 53597
Phone
608-967-6105Serving Dane County and Beyond
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone
Supporting your partner is easier when you have support too.
In-person in Waunakee · Telehealth throughout Wisconsin