What Not to Say to Someone with Infertility (And What to Say Instead)
You meant well. You wanted to offer comfort, hope, or perspective to someone struggling to have a baby. But the look on their face told you something went wrong. They shut down, changed the subject, or maybe even walked away.
What happened?
Infertility is one of those experiences that's nearly impossible to understand from the outside. The grief, the medical trauma, the monthly devastation, the way it infiltrates every corner of your life. People who haven't lived it often say things that feel supportive to them but land as painful, dismissive, or even cruel to the person receiving them.
This isn't about making you feel guilty for past comments. If you've said something on this list, you're in good company. Nearly everyone has. The goal here is understanding: why certain phrases hurt, what the person with infertility actually hears when you say them, and what you can say instead that genuinely helps.
And if you're the one struggling with infertility, reading this might feel validating. You're not being too sensitive. These comments really are painful, and your reactions to them make complete sense.
"Just Relax and It Will Happen"
This is perhaps the most universally hated phrase in the infertility community. It's also one of the most common.
Why People Say It
The speaker usually believes that stress causes infertility and that reducing stress will solve the problem. They might know someone who got pregnant "the moment they stopped trying" and assume this is a universal pattern. They want to offer a solution that feels achievable.
Why It Hurts
This comment implies that infertility is the person's fault, that if they could just calm down, they'd get pregnant. It reduces a medical condition to a mindset problem.
The truth is that stress does not cause infertility. While extreme chronic stress can affect hormones, the normal anxiety that comes with trying to conceive does not prevent pregnancy. If relaxation cured infertility, no one would need IVF.
This phrase also dismisses everything the person is going through. Telling someone with blocked fallopian tubes, low sperm count, or diminished ovarian reserve to "just relax" is like telling someone with a broken leg to think positive thoughts and it will heal.
What They Actually Hear
"Your infertility is your own fault. If you were less stressed and anxious, you'd be pregnant by now. You're causing this."
What to Say Instead
"I can't imagine how stressful this must be. I'm here if you want to talk about it, or if you need a distraction from it."
"Everything Happens for a Reason"
This phrase attempts to offer cosmic comfort, suggesting that there's a larger plan at work and that the suffering has purpose.
Why People Say It
Many people find comfort in believing that life events, even painful ones, serve some greater meaning. They want to help the person find peace by reframing their struggle as part of a bigger picture.
Why It Hurts
To someone in the depths of infertility grief, this comment raises an agonizing question: what possible reason could justify this pain? What purpose is served by their empty arms, their failed treatments, their repeated losses?
This phrase can feel like spiritual bypassing, using religious or philosophical concepts to avoid sitting with someone's real pain. It also implies that the person should accept their suffering rather than fight against it or grieve it.
For those who've experienced pregnancy loss, this comment is particularly devastating. There is no comforting reason why their baby died.
What They Actually Hear
"Your suffering is part of a plan, so you shouldn't be so upset about it. There's a reason you don't have a baby, and you should accept that."
What to Say Instead
"This is so unfair. You don't deserve this, and I'm sorry you're going through it."
"At Least You Know You Can Get Pregnant"
This is often said to someone who has experienced miscarriage or chemical pregnancy, framing the loss as a positive sign for future fertility.
Why People Say It
The speaker is trying to find a silver lining, something hopeful to cling to. They believe that getting pregnant, even if it didn't last, proves the person's body "works."
Why It Hurts
A pregnancy that ends in loss is not a consolation prize. The person isn't mourning their inability to see a positive test; they're mourning their baby. Telling them to be grateful they conceived dismisses the profound grief of pregnancy loss.
This comment also isn't medically accurate for many people. Recurrent pregnancy loss is its own diagnosis, and the ability to conceive doesn't guarantee the ability to carry a pregnancy to term.
What They Actually Hear
"Your loss doesn't really count. You should be happy about the pregnancy instead of sad about the death. At least something good came from this."
What to Say Instead
"I'm so sorry for your loss. Your baby mattered, and your grief is valid."
"Have You Tried..."
This phrase typically precedes unsolicited advice about conception methods, supplements, diets, positions, or alternative treatments.
Why People Say It
People want to help solve the problem. They've heard about something that worked for someone else, or they've read an article about a fertility-boosting technique, and they want to share information that might make a difference.
Why It Hurts
By the time someone is openly discussing infertility, they've almost certainly tried everything accessible to them. They've Googled extensively. They've read the forums. They've consulted doctors. They've probably tried the thing you're about to suggest.
Unsolicited advice implies that the person hasn't done their research or hasn't tried hard enough. It positions you as having solutions they haven't considered, which feels condescending when they've been living and breathing fertility information for months or years.
It also reduces a complex medical condition to a simple fix. "Have you tried evening primrose oil?" doesn't address blocked tubes, chromosomal issues, or any number of medical factors causing infertility.
What They Actually Hear
"You probably haven't tried hard enough or researched thoroughly. If you'd just do this one thing I heard about, your problem would be solved."
What to Say Instead
"I don't know much about infertility treatment, but I'd love to learn more about what you're going through if you ever want to share."
"You're Young, You Have Plenty of Time"
This comment attempts to reassure someone that their biological clock isn't as urgent as they fear.
Why People Say It
The speaker wants to reduce the person's sense of pressure and panic. They believe that emphasizing youth will help the person feel less desperate.
Why It Hurts
Age is only one factor in fertility, and many young people face serious infertility diagnoses. A 28-year-old with premature ovarian insufficiency doesn't have "plenty of time." A 25-year-old whose partner has azoospermia won't be helped by waiting.
Even for those without specific diagnoses, the stress of trying to conceive is real regardless of age. Dismissing their urgency dismisses their experience.
This comment also ignores the emotional reality: every month that passes without a baby is another month of grief, another cycle of hope and disappointment, another holiday or milestone spent waiting.
What They Actually Hear
"Your concerns aren't valid. You shouldn't be worried yet. You're being dramatic about this."
What to Say Instead
"However long this has been going on, I know it's been painful. I'm sorry it's taking so long."
"Maybe You're Just Not Meant to Be Parents"
This is one of the most devastating things you can say to someone with infertility, yet people do say it.
Why People Say It
Sometimes this comes from a place of trying to help the person accept a potential outcome. Sometimes it reflects the speaker's own discomfort with the person's ongoing grief. Sometimes it's said in frustration or without thinking.
Why It Hurts
This comment suggests that infertility is a judgment, a cosmic determination that this person doesn't deserve children. It implies that parenthood is earned through worthiness rather than biology and luck.
For someone already struggling with depression and feelings of brokenness, this comment confirms their worst fears about themselves.
What They Actually Hear
"You don't deserve to be a parent. Your infertility is a sign that you shouldn't have children. Give up."
What to Say Instead
Nothing even close to this. If you're tempted to say it, stay silent instead.
"Why Don't You Just Adopt?"
Adoption is often suggested as an easy solution to infertility, as if it's a simple alternative the person hasn't considered.
Why People Say It
The speaker sees adoption as a path to parenthood that bypasses the pain of infertility. They may genuinely believe they're offering a helpful suggestion.
Why It Hurts
First, the word "just" minimizes what adoption actually involves. Adoption is expensive, legally complex, emotionally demanding, and can take years. It's not a quick fix or a backup plan.
Second, this comment implies that biological children and adopted children are interchangeable, that grieving the loss of a biological child should be solved by pursuing a different kind of family building. While many people do build beautiful families through adoption after infertility, it's a separate decision that doesn't erase the grief of infertility.
Third, not everyone is in a position to adopt. Financial constraints, age limits, health requirements, and other factors affect eligibility.
What They Actually Hear
"Stop complaining about infertility when there's an obvious solution you're ignoring. Adoption would fix this if you'd just do it."
What to Say Instead
"Whatever path you take to build your family, I'll support you."
"My Friend Tried for Years and Then Got Pregnant Naturally Right Before IVF"
Success stories are often shared as encouragement, but they frequently backfire.
Why People Say It
The speaker wants to offer hope by sharing an example of someone whose situation turned around. They believe hearing about someone else's success will help the person feel optimistic.
Why It Hurts
Miracle stories imply that the person should keep hoping for a spontaneous resolution instead of pursuing treatment, or that medical intervention is unnecessary if you just wait long enough. They also suggest that the person sharing the story has insider knowledge about how fertility works.
These anecdotes are also survivorship bias in action. You don't hear stories about the people who waited and never got pregnant, or who tried everything and still don't have children. Only the success stories get told, creating a skewed picture of reality.
For someone facing a specific diagnosis, hearing about someone else's spontaneous conception is irrelevant to their medical situation.
What They Actually Hear
"Miracles happen to other people, so maybe they'll happen to you too. You probably don't really need all that treatment."
What to Say Instead
"I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm here with you through all of it, whatever path it takes."
"At Least You Can Sleep In / Travel / Have Freedom"
This comment attempts to highlight the benefits of not having children, as if childlessness is a lifestyle choice to be celebrated.
Why People Say It
The speaker, often a tired parent themselves, is trying to find positives in the person's situation. They want to help them appreciate what they have rather than focusing on what they lack.
Why It Hurts
People with infertility would trade every sleeping-in morning and spontaneous vacation for a baby. Pointing out the "perks" of childlessness dismisses the depth of their loss and grief.
This comment also implies that the person should be grateful for their situation, as if they've chosen this lifestyle and should enjoy it rather than mourning it.
What They Actually Hear
"You should be happy you don't have kids. Look at all the freedom you have! Stop wanting what you can't have."
What to Say Instead
Simply don't say this. If you're a parent feeling jealous of their free time, that's your feeling to manage, not theirs to hear about.
"When Are You Going to Have Kids?"
This question is often asked casually at family gatherings, by coworkers, or by acquaintances who don't know about the person's struggles.
Why People Say It
For many people, asking about family plans is small talk, a way to show interest in someone's life. They don't realize they're touching a painful topic.
Why It Hurts
You never know who is struggling with infertility. The person you're asking might have just had a miscarriage, received a devastating diagnosis, or spent their savings on failed treatments. This question forces them to either lie, disclose private medical information, or awkwardly deflect.
Even for those who've shared their struggles, this question feels like pressure and surveillance. It reminds them that others are watching and waiting, that their childlessness is visible and subject to public inquiry.
What They Actually Hear
"I've noticed you don't have children yet. What's wrong? When are you going to fix this?"
What to Say Instead
Don't ask. If someone wants to share their family plans with you, they will. This question is never necessary.
"God Has a Plan" or "It'll Happen When God Wants It To"
Religious comfort is often offered to people experiencing infertility, especially in faith communities.
Why People Say It
People of faith genuinely believe that God or a higher power is in control, and they find comfort in this belief. They want to share that comfort with someone who is suffering.
Why It Hurts
Not everyone shares the same faith, and even those who do may struggle with their beliefs during infertility. Theological statements about God's plan can feel like silencing rather than comfort.
This comment also raises painful questions for believers: Why would God plan for them to suffer? Why does God give babies to people who abuse them while withholding them from loving couples? Does God not think they'd be good parents?
For some, infertility causes a crisis of faith that religious platitudes make worse, not better.
What They Actually Hear
"God is choosing for you not to have a baby right now. Accept that and stop struggling against divine will."
What to Say Instead
If you share faith with the person: "I'm praying for you, and I'm here to sit with you in this pain."
If you don't share faith or aren't sure: "I'm thinking of you and holding hope for you."
What to Say Instead: A Guide to Actually Helping
Acknowledge the Pain
"This is so hard. I'm sorry you're going through this."
"I hate that this is happening to you."
"You don't deserve this struggle."
Simple acknowledgment of pain, without trying to fix, minimize, or explain it, is one of the most supportive things you can offer.
Admit What You Don't Know
"I don't fully understand what you're going through, but I care about you and I'm here."
"I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I'm thinking of you."
Honesty about your limitations is more helpful than pretending to have wisdom you don't possess.
Ask How to Help
"What would be most supportive right now? Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather be distracted from it?"
"Is there anything I can do to help, even something small?"
"Would it help to have company, or do you need space?"
Different people need different things. Asking rather than assuming shows respect for their needs.
Follow Their Lead
If they want to talk about treatment details, listen. If they want to complain about insensitive relatives, validate. If they want to talk about anything except infertility, engage with those topics fully.
Let them determine how much infertility dominates the conversation.
Show Up Consistently
"I'm here whenever you need to talk, even at 2 AM."
"I'm going to keep checking in on you, even if you don't respond every time."
Infertility is lonely. People often withdraw socially because interacting feels too hard. Persistent, low-pressure presence matters more than perfect words.
Remember Key Dates
If you know they're doing a treatment cycle, a transfer, or waiting for results, check in during those times. If they've experienced a loss, remember the anniversary. If holidays or Mother's Day are hard for them, reach out.
Remembering shows that you're paying attention and that their struggle matters to you.
For Those Experiencing Infertility: How to Respond
You shouldn't have to educate everyone who says something hurtful. That's exhausting, and it's not your job. But if you want to respond, here are some options:
The Direct Approach
"I know you mean well, but that comment actually hurts. Infertility isn't caused by stress, and I am doing everything I can."
"When you say that, it feels like you're dismissing how painful this is. I don't need solutions; I just need support."
The Brief Redirect
"Thanks, but I'd rather not discuss it."
"That's not really helpful for me right now."
"I appreciate your concern. Can we talk about something else?"
The Educational Moment
"Actually, infertility is a medical condition. It's not something I can fix by relaxing or trying harder."
"Adoption is a beautiful way to build a family, but it's not a cure for infertility. They're separate things."
The Exit
Sometimes the best response is walking away. You don't owe anyone an explanation, and protecting your emotional energy matters more than correcting every insensitive comment.
People Also Ask
What should you not say to someone going through IVF?
Avoid saying "just relax," offering unsolicited medical advice, asking for constant updates on the cycle, or commenting on the cost of treatment. Don't ask if they've "tried naturally" or suggest they're trying too hard. Avoid sharing stories about people who got pregnant without IVF, as this implies treatment isn't necessary. Don't tell them to "stay positive" or that "it will work" since you can't promise outcomes. Instead, acknowledge that IVF is physically and emotionally demanding, ask how you can support them, and follow their lead on how much they want to discuss.
How do you comfort someone struggling with infertility?
The most helpful thing is to acknowledge their pain without trying to fix it. Say things like "I'm so sorry you're going through this" or "This is unfair and you don't deserve it." Ask what kind of support they need rather than assuming. Show up consistently, remember important dates in their treatment, and let them lead conversations about how much to discuss infertility. Avoid advice, platitudes, and success stories. Simply being present and willing to listen, without judgment or pressure, provides more comfort than any specific words.
Why is it hard to talk to people about infertility?
Infertility involves grief, medical trauma, financial stress, and relationship strain that most people don't understand unless they've experienced it. Talking about it means risking dismissive comments, unwanted advice, and having to educate others while already exhausted. Many people feel shame about infertility, making disclosure vulnerable. Others have had bad experiences sharing, which makes them hesitant to open up again. The isolation of infertility is often worsened by well-meaning but hurtful responses from people who don't know what to say.
What do you say when someone tells you they're struggling to get pregnant?
Start with acknowledgment: "Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry you're going through this." Then ask what they need: "Do you want to talk about it, or would you prefer support in other ways?" Don't immediately offer advice or share stories about others. Let them guide the conversation. If you're not sure what to say, admitting that is fine: "I don't know the right words, but I care about you and I'm here." What matters most is making them feel heard and supported rather than fixed or advised.
Is it rude to ask someone when they're having kids?
Yes. You never know who is struggling with infertility, processing pregnancy loss, dealing with relationship issues, or simply choosing not to have children. This question forces people to either lie, disclose private information, or awkwardly deflect. Even for those who want children and can have them easily, family planning is personal and not subject to public inquiry. Find other ways to show interest in someone's life. If they want to share their family plans, they will do so without being asked.
Words Matter More Than You Know
When someone you care about is struggling with infertility, your words carry weight. The wrong comment can deepen their isolation, reinforce their shame, and damage your relationship. The right words, or sometimes just the right silence, can provide genuine comfort during one of the hardest experiences of their life.
You don't need perfect language. You need genuine compassion, willingness to listen, and humility about what you don't understand. That's enough.
At Dancing Bee Counseling, Abby Lemke provides specialized support for individuals and couples experiencing the emotional toll of infertility. With personal experience walking this path and professional training in reproductive mental health, she understands both the pain of infertility and the pain of feeling misunderstood by those around you.
Whether you're struggling with infertility grief, anxiety about treatment, or the isolation that comes from others not understanding, therapy can help you process your experiences and develop tools for coping with insensitive comments.
Contact Dancing Bee Counseling to schedule a session and find support from someone who truly gets it.
