Coping With Baby Showers During Infertility
The invitation arrived. Your stomach dropped. Now you're dreading an event meant to be joyful, and you feel guilty for feeling that way.
Dancing Bee Counseling provides support for people facing baby showers while dealing with infertility. Whether you're deciding if you can attend, need strategies to get through it, or want to process the complicated feelings that come with these events, you don't have to figure it out alone. Your feelings are valid, and protecting your mental health is not selfish.
Why Baby Showers Are So Hard
Baby showers are designed to celebrate pregnancy and new life. When you're struggling to have a baby of your own, these celebrations can feel like salt in an open wound. The decorations, the games, the conversations about due dates and nurseries, the excitement everyone else feels so easily. It's a concentrated dose of everything you want and don't have.
You might feel like you should be able to handle it. You might feel guilty for dreading an event meant to honor someone you care about. You might worry that skipping makes you a bad friend, or that attending while struggling makes you a bad person for not being fully present. These feelings are incredibly common among people dealing with infertility.
Here's the truth: You can love someone and be unable to celebrate their pregnancy right now. You can be genuinely happy for them and devastated for yourself at the same time. Your feelings don't make you a bad person. They make you human.
Whether you decide to attend or skip, having support to process these complicated emotions can make a real difference. Therapy can help you work through the grief, anxiety, and guilt that come with these situations.
Should You Go or Skip?
There's no right answer. Only what's right for you right now.
Consider Going If...
- • You genuinely want to be there for this person
- • You have coping strategies in place
- • You can bring a supportive person with you
- • You have an exit plan if it gets too hard
- • You're in a relatively stable emotional place
- • Skipping would cause you more guilt than attending
Consider Skipping If...
- • You're in the middle of treatment or a difficult cycle
- • You recently had a loss or negative result
- • Just thinking about it causes significant distress
- • You don't have the emotional reserves right now
- • You can support this person in other ways
- • Your mental health needs to come first
You can always change your mind. RSVP yes and decide later you can't go. Or RSVP no and realize you want to try. Give yourself flexibility.
How to Decline Gracefully
You don't owe anyone an explanation. Here are options depending on your comfort level.
"I won't be able to make it, but I'm so happy for you! I'll send a gift and can't wait to meet the baby."
No explanation needed. Most people will accept this without question.
"I have a conflict that day, but congratulations! Let's plan a time to celebrate just the two of us."
Offers an alternative while keeping the door open.
"We've been going through some things with fertility, and baby events are really hard for me right now. I hope you understand."
For close relationships where you feel comfortable sharing.
"I'm dealing with a personal health situation that makes it hard to attend right now. Sending love and a gift."
Honest but vague. Signals something is going on without details.
"Can't make it but thinking of you! Gift is on its way. 💕"
For acquaintances or when you don't want to engage further.
"I can't be there but would love to drop off dinner after the baby arrives. Let me know what works."
Shows you care while avoiding the shower itself.
Getting Through the Shower
Strategies for before, during, and after the event.
Prepare Yourself
Process feelings with your therapist or partner beforehand
Set realistic expectations (it may be hard, and that's okay)
Plan your exit strategy and practice it
Drive yourself so you can leave when you need to
Bring a supportive person if possible
Prepare responses for invasive questions
Survival Strategies
Know where the bathrooms are for quick escapes
Give yourself permission to skip games or activities
Focus on safe conversations (work, travel, anything not baby)
Take breaks outside or in another room
Have a code word with your support person for "I need to leave"
It's okay to leave early without extensive explanation
Self-Care Recovery
Schedule something comforting for afterward
Let yourself feel whatever comes up
Talk to someone who understands (partner, friend, therapist)
Be gentle with yourself if you cried or struggled
Acknowledge that you did something hard
Give yourself time to recover before the next obligation
What to Tell Yourself When Guilt Hits
These reminders can help when you're feeling bad about skipping or struggling.
Protecting your mental health is not selfish. It's necessary.
A true friend would not want you to suffer through their celebration.
You can love someone and be unable to attend their shower.
Your feelings don't take anything away from their joy.
You can support them in other ways that feel manageable.
They have many people celebrating with them. Your absence doesn't ruin it.
If roles were reversed, you'd want them to take care of themselves.
This is a temporary situation, not a permanent character flaw.
Feelings You Might Have
If you're experiencing any of these, you're not alone.
Sadness
Grief for the shower you imagined having for yourself, for the pregnancy that hasn't come
Resentment
Anger at how easy it seems to be for others, at the unfairness of your situation
Anxiety
Dread about attending, worry about how you'll handle it, fear of breaking down
Guilt
Shame for not being able to be fully present, for feeling jealous of a friend
Jealousy
Envy of the pregnant person, wishing it were you being celebrated
Isolation
Feeling like no one understands, like you're the only one who struggles with this
Alternatives to Attending
If you can't attend the shower, there are other meaningful ways to support the person and show you care without putting yourself through an event that's too painful right now.
Send a Thoughtful Gift
Include a heartfelt card explaining you're thinking of them even though you can't be there
One-on-One Time
Offer to take them to lunch or coffee, a smaller setting you can handle
Post-Baby Support
Offer to bring meals, help with errands, or visit after the baby arrives
Write a Letter
Express your excitement for them in writing when verbal feels too hard
Support for Social Situations
Therapy can help you cope with baby showers and other pregnancy-related events.
Pre-Event Processing
Work through feelings before the shower so you can decide what's right for you and prepare if you're going.
Guilt Work
Process the guilt that comes with skipping events or struggling at them. Develop a healthier relationship with these feelings.
Grief Processing
These events can trigger deep grief about your own fertility journey. Having space to feel and express that grief matters.
Communication Strategies
Practice how to decline invitations, respond to questions, and communicate with friends about your limits.
Anxiety Management
Coping strategies for event anxiety, including techniques you can use in the moment if you do attend.
Post-Event Debrief
Processing what happened, how you felt, what worked and what didn't. Planning for next time.
Questions About Baby Showers and Infertility
Is it okay to skip a baby shower because of infertility?
Yes, it is absolutely okay to skip a baby shower because of infertility. Protecting your mental health is not selfish or mean. You can love someone and still be unable to celebrate their pregnancy right now. Your grief is real and valid, and attending an event that will cause significant emotional pain doesn't help anyone. Most people who truly care about you would not want you to suffer through their celebration. You can support the person in other ways: send a gift with a heartfelt card, offer to help after the baby arrives, or plan a one-on-one visit when you're ready. You don't owe anyone access to your fertility struggles to justify not attending.
How do I decline a baby shower invitation gracefully?
Keep your decline simple and kind. You don't need to explain your fertility struggles unless you want to. Options include: "I won't be able to make it, but I'm so happy for you and will send a gift." "I have a conflict that day but can't wait to meet the baby." If you're close to the person and comfortable sharing: "We've been going through some things with fertility, and baby events are really hard for me right now. I hope you understand." Most people will accept a simple decline without pressing for details. Send a gift and card to show you care even though you can't attend.
How do I cope with baby shower guilt during infertility?
Guilt about skipping or struggling at baby showers is common but often misplaced. Remind yourself: You're not a bad person for protecting your mental health. Your feelings don't take anything away from the pregnant person's joy. You can be happy for someone and sad for yourself at the same time. The pregnant person likely has many people celebrating with them; your absence doesn't ruin their day. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want your friend to take care of themselves? Therapy can help you process guilt and develop a healthier relationship with these difficult social situations.
What should I do if I start crying at a baby shower?
First, know that crying is a normal response and nothing to be ashamed of. Have a plan before you go: Know where the bathrooms are so you can excuse yourself quickly. Have a trusted person with you who can cover for you or help you leave. Prepare an exit excuse in advance: "I'm not feeling well" or "I need to step out for a call." Keep your car keys accessible so you can leave if needed. If tears come, excusing yourself briefly is completely acceptable. You don't owe anyone an explanation in the moment. Take the time you need, and decide whether to return or leave. There's no shame in leaving early.
How do I attend a baby shower while struggling with infertility?
If you decide to attend, prepare yourself and have a plan. Before: Process your feelings with a therapist, partner, or friend. Set realistic expectations. During: Drive yourself so you can leave when you need to. Bring a supportive person if possible. Give yourself permission to step away, leave early, or skip certain activities like games. Have responses ready for invasive questions. After: Schedule something comforting for yourself. Process your feelings with someone who understands. Be gentle with yourself if you cried or struggled. Remember that attending while grieving is incredibly hard, and you showed up anyway.
Abby Lemke, MS, LPC-IT
Infertility Support Specialist
I understand how complicated baby showers become when you're dealing with infertility. The guilt, the grief, the impossible choice between showing up and protecting yourself. These feelings deserve attention and support.
As a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine with specialized training in fertility counseling, I help people work through the social challenges that come with infertility. Whether you need help deciding what to do, processing guilt, or preparing for an event you've decided to attend, I'm here.
You don't have to figure this out alone. And you don't have to feel guilty for protecting yourself.
More About AbbyInfertility Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin
🐝 Dancing Bee Counseling
Office Address
101 E Main St, Suite 4
Waunakee, WI 53597
Phone
608-967-6105Serving Dane County and Beyond
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