Surviving Mother's Day with Infertility: A Guide to Getting Through the Hardest Sunday of the Year
It starts weeks before the actual day. The commercials featuring glowing pregnant women and cherubic babies. The email subject lines screaming "Gifts Mom Will Love!" The restaurant promotions for Mother's Day brunch. The social media posts about the best moms ever.
By the time the second Sunday in May actually arrives, you're already exhausted from bracing against the constant reminders of what you don't have.
Mother's Day is designed to celebrate mothers. But for those struggling with infertility, experiencing pregnancy loss, or facing the reality of childlessness, it becomes something else entirely: a full day dedicated to the thing that causes you the most pain.
You're not being dramatic. You're not too sensitive. Mother's Day is genuinely one of the hardest days of the year when you desperately want to be a mother and aren't.
This guide won't pretend there's a way to make Mother's Day painless. There isn't. But there are strategies for getting through it with your mental health intact, ways to honor your grief while also caring for yourself, and permission to do whatever you need to survive.
Why Mother's Day Hurts So Much
The Inescapability
Most triggers can be avoided or at least minimized. You can skip baby showers. You can mute pregnant friends on social media. You can leave rooms when conversations turn to children.
Mother's Day doesn't allow for avoidance. It's everywhere, for weeks. Television, radio, stores, restaurants, churches, social gatherings, family group texts. The celebration of motherhood saturates every corner of public life.
This inescapability means you can't take a break from the pain. Every errand, every scroll through your phone, every interaction reminds you of what you're missing.
The Public Nature
Infertility is usually a private struggle. You control who knows, how much they know, and when they find out. You can manage your grief in relative privacy.
Mother's Day strips that privacy away. You're expected to celebrate publicly, to honor the mothers in your life visibly, to participate in a collective ritual of appreciation. Your absence from celebration becomes noticeable.
If you attend Mother's Day gatherings, you face questions, assumptions, and pity. If you skip them, you face judgment and the isolation of being alone while everyone else celebrates.
The Forced Comparison
Mother's Day invites comparison. Who has children, who doesn't. Who gets honored, who gets overlooked. Who receives cards and flowers, who receives nothing.
Even if you try not to compare, the structure of the day makes it impossible. When a holiday exists specifically to celebrate a role you desperately want but can't achieve, comparison isn't optional.
The Compounded Grief
For many experiencing infertility, Mother's Day carries layers of grief:
The babies lost to miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, or stillbirth
The cycles that failed, the treatments that didn't work
The years spent trying while others became mothers effortlessly
The identity you imagined for yourself that remains out of reach
The potential futures that may never exist
Mother's Day doesn't just remind you that you're not a mother today. It reminds you of everything you've lost and everything you fear you may never have.
The Well-Meaning Cruelty
People say things on Mother's Day that would be hurtful any day but land especially hard during this particular holiday:
"You'll be a mom someday!"
"At least you can sleep in while we're exhausted with our kids."
"Mother's Day must be nice without children to deal with."
"Being a dog mom counts too!"
"Have you tried relaxing? Maybe next Mother's Day will be different."
These comments come from people trying to comfort or include you. But they minimize your grief, dismiss your pain, or remind you of exactly what you're mourning. Well-meaning cruelty is still cruel.
Types of Mother's Day Grief
When You're Trying to Conceive
If you're actively trying to conceive, Mother's Day represents a finish line you haven't reached. Each year that passes without a baby means another Mother's Day watching from the outside.
The grief is anticipatory: mourning a future that may or may not happen, hoping desperately that next year will be different while fearing it won't be.
After Pregnancy Loss
If you've lost a pregnancy, Mother's Day raises agonizing questions. Are you a mother? Does your lost baby count? Should you be honored, or would claiming motherhood feel wrong?
There's no right answer. Some women who've experienced loss consider themselves mothers to babies they never held. Others don't feel that identity fits. Both responses are valid.
What's not valid is anyone else deciding for you. If someone says "you're not really a mother" after your loss, they're wrong. If someone insists "you are a mother" when that doesn't feel true for you, they're also overstepping.
After Failed Treatments
If you've been through IVF, IUI, or other treatments without success, Mother's Day carries the weight of everything you've endured. The injections, the procedures, the hope and devastating disappointment, all of it culminating in another year without the outcome you fought so hard for.
The grief after failed treatment is specific: you did everything medicine could offer, and it still wasn't enough.
With Secondary Infertility
If you have a child but are struggling to have another, Mother's Day is complicated. You are a mother. But you're also grieving the child you can't seem to have, the sibling your existing child may never know, the family size you imagined.
Secondary infertility often comes with guilt about grieving on a day you're technically included in. That guilt doesn't make the grief less real.
Facing Childlessness
If you've reached the end of treatment without a baby, or if you're facing the possibility that biological children may never happen, Mother's Day forces confrontation with a future you didn't choose.
The grief of childlessness not by choice is disenfranchised, often dismissed by a society that assumes everyone either has children or chose not to. Mother's Day makes that invisibility painfully visible.
Strategies for Surviving the Day
Give Yourself Permission to Opt Out
You don't have to celebrate Mother's Day. You don't have to attend brunch, send flowers, or show up at gatherings. You don't have to perform gratitude or happiness you don't feel.
Opting out isn't selfish or dramatic. It's self-preservation. If participating in Mother's Day rituals causes more harm than benefit, skipping them is the healthy choice.
This might mean:
Declining family gatherings
Staying off social media entirely
Planning a day that has nothing to do with the holiday
Telling people in advance that you won't be participating this year
The people who love you will understand. The people who don't understand can manage their own feelings about your absence.
Create a Counter-Plan
Rather than simply avoiding Mother's Day, consider creating an alternative plan that fills the day with something other than grief.
Some ideas:
Leave town. Book a cabin, take a road trip, or visit somewhere you've never been. Physical distance from your usual environment can provide psychological distance from the holiday.
Plan an absorbing activity. A hike, a museum, a movie marathon, a craft project. Something that occupies your mind and gives the day structure.
Spend the day with others who understand. If you know other women struggling with infertility, consider gathering together. Solidarity reduces isolation.
Treat yourself. Schedule a massage, order from your favorite restaurant, buy something you've been wanting. If the world is going to be painful, add some pleasure.
Do something meaningful. Volunteer, donate to a cause you care about, create something, write letters to people you appreciate. Finding purpose on a hard day can shift its meaning.
Set Boundaries in Advance
Don't wait until Mother's Day to figure out how you'll handle difficult situations. Plan ahead:
With family: "I won't be able to attend Mother's Day this year. I love you all, but I need to take care of myself."
With your mother (if applicable): "I want to honor you, but being around Mother's Day celebrations is too painful right now. Can we celebrate just the two of us another day?"
On social media: Mute keywords, unfollow accounts that post heavily about motherhood, or delete apps entirely for the week surrounding the holiday.
At work: If colleagues discuss weekend plans, have a response ready: "I'm keeping it low-key this year" or "I have other plans."
Setting boundaries in advance reduces the emotional labor of making decisions in the moment when you're already depleted.
Allow the Grief
Trying to suppress grief on Mother's Day usually backfires. The pain finds its way out somehow, whether through unexpected tears, irritability, or emotional numbness.
Instead of fighting grief, make space for it:
Schedule grief time. Set aside a specific period to feel whatever you feel. Cry, write, look at photos, talk to your partner. Give grief its due so it doesn't ambush you later.
Acknowledge the day's significance. Pretending Mother's Day doesn't exist requires enormous energy. Acknowledging "this is a hard day and I'm allowed to struggle" takes less effort than denial.
Honor what you've lost. If you've experienced pregnancy loss, consider lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful place, or doing something that acknowledges your baby. Grief rituals create containers for pain.
Lean on Support
Mother's Day is not the day to isolate completely. Even if you're avoiding celebrations, maintain connection with people who understand:
Your partner. Talk about what you each need. You might grieve differently, but you can still support each other through the day.
Friends who get it. Even a text exchange with someone who understands can reduce the loneliness of the day.
Online communities. Infertility support groups often have Mother's Day specific threads where people share their experiences and coping strategies.
Your therapist. If you're working with a fertility counselor, consider scheduling a session near Mother's Day. Having professional support during a predictably difficult time is smart planning, not weakness.
Protect Your Mental Health
If you're prone to depression or anxiety, Mother's Day can trigger or worsen symptoms. Take extra precautions:
Maintain routines. Sleep, eat, move your body, take medications if prescribed. Basic self-care becomes harder during difficult times, but it matters more.
Limit substances. Alcohol might seem like it helps, but it ultimately worsens mood and can intensify grief. Be mindful of using it to cope.
Have crisis resources available. If you're at risk for severe depression or self-harm, know who to call and have numbers accessible.
Lower expectations. Your only goal for Mother's Day is to get through it. Everything else is optional.
Navigating Specific Situations
Celebrating Your Own Mother
If your mother is alive and you typically celebrate with her, Mother's Day becomes complicated. You may genuinely want to honor her while also struggling with your own grief about not being a mother yourself.
Options:
Celebrate separately from major gatherings. Take her to lunch on a different day, send flowers to arrive before Sunday, or call her at a time when you're feeling stronger.
Be honest with her. "I want to celebrate you, and I'm also struggling this year. Can we find a way to honor both things?"
Ask her to meet you where you are. A mother who loves you will understand that you need modified celebration, not performance.
If your relationship with your mother is complicated by her response to your infertility, adding pressure to celebrate her, you have permission to do less. A card, a brief call, a text. You're not obligated to give more than you have.
When You're Expected at Gatherings
Family gatherings on Mother's Day often include children, pregnant relatives, and conversations about motherhood. Attending can feel like voluntary torture.
If you must attend:
Set a time limit. Decide in advance when you'll leave, and give yourself permission to stick to that exit time regardless of pressure to stay.
Have an escape plan. Know where you can go if you need a break: a bathroom, a yard, your car. Have a code word with your partner that means "I need to leave now."
Prepare for intrusive questions. Decide how you'll respond to "when are you having kids?" or "are you trying?" beforehand. Options range from honest ("that's a painful topic for me") to deflecting ("we're not discussing that") to lying if that feels safest ("not right now").
Drive separately. Don't rely on someone else for transportation. Being able to leave when you need to matters.
If you can't face attending:
Send regrets early. Give people time to adjust expectations rather than canceling last minute.
Don't over-explain. "I'm not able to make it this year" is a complete sentence. You don't owe details about your grief.
Handle guilt directly. You might feel guilty about missing a gathering. Remind yourself that self-preservation isn't selfish, and that your absence for one year doesn't erase your love for family.
Social Media
Social media on Mother's Day is a minefield. Your feed will fill with pregnancy announcements, baby photos, tributes to mothers, and performative celebrations of motherhood.
Protection strategies:
Log off entirely. The simplest solution. Delete apps from your phone for the day or weekend if that helps.
Mute aggressively. Mute words like "Mother's Day," "mom," "motherhood." Mute accounts that post heavy baby content.
Curate your own experience. Unfollow or mute accounts temporarily. You can reconnect later when you're not in survival mode.
Post your own truth (if that helps). Some people find power in sharing their experience openly. Others prefer privacy. Neither is right or wrong.
If you see something that triggers you:
Close the app immediately. Don't keep scrolling while upset.
Reach out to support. Text a friend who gets it, talk to your partner, or write about what you're feeling.
Remember that social media isn't reality. The perfect mother tributes often mask complicated relationships and messy real lives.
Church and Religious Services
Many religious services on Mother's Day include special recognition of mothers, gifts for moms in attendance, and messages glorifying motherhood as women's highest calling.
For women struggling with infertility, these services can be excruciating. Being passed over when mothers receive flowers. Hearing theology that ties womanhood to reproduction. Sitting in a space that's supposed to offer comfort while feeling utterly unseen.
Options:
Skip church that day. Your faith will survive one missed service. God understands grief.
Attend a different service. Some churches offer Mother's Day alternative services specifically for those grieving. Look for them in your community.
Arrive late, leave early. Skip the parts of the service that focus on honoring mothers.
Talk to your pastor/priest/leader. Advocate for more inclusive language and recognition that not everyone celebrating motherhood finds it joyful.
What to Do When Grief Overwhelms You
Despite your best planning, Mother's Day might still overwhelm you. Here's what to do when grief hits hard:
In the Moment
Breathe. When grief floods you, breathing often becomes shallow. Take deliberate, slow breaths to activate your parasympathetic nervous system.
Ground yourself. Notice five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch, two you can smell, one you can taste. Grounding brings you back to the present moment.
Move. Walk around the block, stretch, shake your body. Physical movement helps process emotional intensity.
Cry if you need to. Tears release stress hormones. Suppressing them takes energy and doesn't actually prevent the grief.
Reach out. Call or text someone who understands. Human connection during acute grief provides crucial support.
After the Day
Debrief. Talk about how the day went with your partner, friend, or therapist. Processing out loud helps integrate the experience.
Rest. Grief is exhausting. Plan for recovery time after Mother's Day. Don't schedule demanding activities the next day.
Acknowledge your survival. You got through it. That's not nothing. Give yourself credit for enduring something hard.
Note what helped and what didn't. For next year, remember which strategies worked and which fell short. Your survival playbook will improve over time.
For Partners: How to Help
If your partner is struggling with Mother's Day due to infertility, here's how to support them:
Ask What They Need
Don't assume you know what will help. Some people want distraction; others want acknowledgment. Some want company; others need space. Ask directly: "What would help you most this Mother's Day?"
Handle Logistics
Take things off their plate. Send the cards to mothers in your life. Make the phone calls. Handle family expectations about attendance. Reducing the labor involved in the holiday helps.
Acknowledge the Day
Don't pretend Mother's Day isn't happening or that it's just another Sunday. Acknowledge: "I know today is hard. I'm here with you."
If your partner has experienced pregnancy loss, consider whether honoring them as a mother feels right. For some women, receiving flowers or a card acknowledging their lost baby means everything. For others, it feels wrong. Follow their lead.
Protect Them
Be the buffer between your partner and difficult situations. Field questions from relatives. Make excuses for early departures. Handle social obligations they can't face.
Take Care of Yourself Too
You're also affected by infertility and by Mother's Day. Make sure you have support for your own grief rather than suppressing it entirely to focus on your partner.
Honoring Yourself on Mother's Day
You may not be a mother in the way you hoped. But you are a person worthy of tenderness on a day designed to exclude you.
Consider ways to honor yourself:
Write a letter to future you. What do you want to remember about this time? What do you want to tell yourself?
Create something. Art, writing, gardening, cooking. Creation is generative even when your body isn't.
Nurture something. Care for pets, plants, relationships. Nurturing isn't exclusive to parenthood.
Rest. Sometimes the most radical act of self-care is doing nothing at all.
Affirm your worth. Your value doesn't depend on becoming a mother. You are worthy right now, exactly as you are.
People Also Ask
How do you cope with Mother's Day when you have infertility?
Coping with Mother's Day during infertility requires intentional planning. Give yourself permission to skip celebrations that cause more harm than benefit. Create alternative plans that fill the day with meaningful or absorbing activities. Set boundaries with family in advance about what you can and cannot attend. Limit social media exposure by muting or logging off entirely. Allow yourself to grieve rather than suppressing pain. Lean on people who understand, whether your partner, friends who get it, or a fertility therapist. Remember that your only goal is to get through the day; everything else is optional.
Should I go to Mother's Day gatherings if I have infertility?
Whether to attend Mother's Day gatherings depends on your specific situation and what you can handle. If attending causes significant emotional harm, skipping is self-preservation, not selfishness. If you choose to attend, set a time limit, arrange your own transportation so you can leave when needed, prepare responses for intrusive questions, and identify escape spaces for breaks. There's no right answer. Some people find that avoiding gatherings increases isolation, while others find that attending is too painful to be worthwhile. Trust your own assessment of what you can manage.
Why is Mother's Day so hard for women with infertility?
Mother's Day is difficult for women with infertility because the holiday celebrates the exact thing they desperately want but cannot achieve. The day is inescapable, with weeks of advertising, social media posts, and cultural messaging glorifying motherhood. It forces public participation, making private grief visible. It compels comparison between who has children and who doesn't. For those who have experienced pregnancy loss, it raises painful questions about maternal identity. Well-meaning comments often minimize the grief. The accumulated effect creates one of the most emotionally challenging days of the year for those struggling to conceive.
How do I honor myself on Mother's Day if I've had a miscarriage?
Honoring yourself on Mother's Day after miscarriage might include lighting a candle for your baby, visiting a meaningful location, creating or purchasing something that commemorates your loss, writing a letter to your baby, or simply allowing yourself space to grieve. Some women consider themselves mothers to babies they lost and appreciate acknowledgment on Mother's Day; others don't identify with the maternal label after loss. Both responses are valid. What matters is honoring your own experience in whatever way feels true. You get to define what your loss means and how you remember it on this difficult day.
What do you say to someone struggling on Mother's Day?
The best thing to say to someone struggling with Mother's Day is something that acknowledges their pain without trying to fix it. "I know today is hard. I'm thinking of you." "I'm here if you need anything, including distraction or space to talk." "You're not alone, even though this day makes you feel that way." Avoid platitudes like "next year will be different" or "at least you can sleep in." Don't suggest they should be grateful or remind them that others have it worse. Simply witnessing their pain and offering presence, without advice or silver linings, provides more comfort than any specific words.
You Will Get Through This
Mother's Day will end. The commercials will stop. The social media posts will fade. The brunch crowds will disperse. And you will still be standing, having survived another year of the hardest Sunday.
Surviving doesn't mean thriving. It doesn't mean feeling okay or finding silver linings. It just means getting through. And that's enough.
At Dancing Bee Counseling, Abby Lemke provides specialized support for individuals and couples facing the emotional challenges of infertility, including navigating holidays like Mother's Day. With personal experience walking this path and professional training in reproductive mental health, she understands that some days are about endurance rather than healing, and she's here to help you endure.
If Mother's Day has left you struggling, or if you want support preparing for next year's, therapy provides a space to process grief, develop coping strategies, and remind yourself that you're more than your fertility status.
Contact Dancing Bee Counseling to schedule a session. You don't have to face the hardest days alone.
