Infertility and Friendships: When the People You Love Can't Understand

Jan 8

She was your person. The friend you texted twenty times a day, who knew your secrets, who you assumed would be there through everything. You planned to raise your kids together, to trade babysitting and share the chaos of motherhood side by side.

Then she got pregnant on her first try. And suddenly, the person who knew you best doesn't seem to know you at all.

Or maybe it's the opposite. You're the one who pulled away, unable to bear her baby bump, her nursery photos, her casual complaints about morning sickness. You stopped responding to texts, made excuses to skip gatherings, and now there's a distance between you that feels impossible to bridge.

Infertility changes friendships. Sometimes it strengthens them, revealing who truly shows up when life gets hard. More often, it strains them, exposing fault lines that didn't exist before. The isolation of infertility isn't just about hiding your struggle from the world. It's about watching relationships you treasured become casualties of something you never chose.

This post is about what happens to friendships during infertility: why they change, how to navigate the changes, and how to protect both your connections and yourself.

Why Infertility Changes Friendships

The Experience Gap

Before infertility, you and your friends shared a common frame of reference. You talked about relationships, careers, families, futures. You understood each other's problems because you faced similar ones.

Infertility creates an experience gap. Your friends worry about work deadlines; you worry about follicle counts. They plan vacations; you plan around treatment cycles. They think a bad week means a stressful project; you think a bad week means another negative test after months of trying.

This gap isn't anyone's fault, but it's real. Shared understanding becomes harder when your daily realities diverge so dramatically.

The Fertility Divide

In your twenties and thirties, friendships often form around life stage. You bond with people getting married when you're getting married, buying houses when you're buying houses, starting careers when you're starting yours.

Then comes the fertility divide. Some friends conceive quickly and cross into parenthood. You remain on the other side, watching them enter a world you desperately want to join. The shared life stage that bonded you now separates you.

This divide can feel like abandonment, even when your friends haven't done anything wrong. They're simply living the life you both assumed you'd have, and you're stuck.

The Jealousy No One Talks About

You love your friend. You want her to be happy. And you're consumed with jealousy that she's pregnant while you're not.

This jealousy is normal, but it feels shameful. Good friends aren't supposed to feel bitter about each other's joy. So you hide it, pretend you're fine, and add another layer of disconnection.

The jealousy isn't really about her. It's about grief wearing a mask. You're not jealous of her specifically; you're grieving what you don't have, and her pregnancy makes that grief unavoidable.

But try explaining that to someone who's never experienced it.

The Things They Say

Friends without infertility experience often say things that hurt, not from malice but from ignorance:

"Just relax and it will happen."

"Have you tried [insert unsolicited advice]?"

"At least you can enjoy your freedom."

"Everything happens for a reason."

"Maybe it's not meant to be."

Each comment, intended as comfort, lands as dismissal. After enough of these interactions, you stop sharing. Why open up when the response makes you feel worse?

The Things They Don't Say

Sometimes the silence hurts more than the wrong words. Friends who know about your struggle but never ask how you're doing. Friends who change the subject when you bring up treatment. Friends who act like infertility is a phase you'll get over if everyone just ignores it.

This silence might come from discomfort, from not knowing what to say, or from a misguided belief that not mentioning it protects you. Whatever the intention, it feels like invisibility.

When Friends Get Pregnant

The Announcement

Few moments in infertility sting as sharply as a pregnancy announcement from a close friend. Even when you genuinely want her to have this, even when you know your pain has nothing to do with her joy, the news can feel like a punch to the stomach.

The announcement might come casually, assuming you'll be thrilled. Or it might come with excessive tiptoeing, treating you like you're fragile. Neither feels right.

In the minutes after hearing the news, you have to perform happiness while your heart breaks. You say congratulations. You hug her. You ask questions about due dates and how she's feeling. And then you go home and cry.

The Changing Relationship

After her announcement, the friendship shifts. She's absorbed in pregnancy symptoms, nursery planning, baby showers. You're absorbed in treatment cycles, anxiety, and grief.

Conversations become harder. She wants to share her excitement, but every detail reminds you of what you don't have. You want to be supportive, but your capacity is limited. The easy flow you once had becomes careful, calculated.

Some friendships survive this shift. Others don't.

The Baby Shower Dilemma

Her baby shower approaches and you face an impossible choice. Attend and spend hours surrounded by pastel decorations, pregnancy glow, and conversations about motherhood. Or skip it and risk damaging the friendship, appearing unsupportive, or having to explain why you can't go.

There's no right answer. Some women push through and survive. Others know their limits and protect themselves by staying home. Both choices are valid; the cruelty is being forced to choose at all.

After the Baby Comes

When her baby arrives, the gap widens further. She's in the newborn trenches, exhausted and overwhelmed. You're still waiting, still grieving, still outside the world she's entered.

She might not have time or energy to maintain the friendship. She might accidentally say hurtful things about how hard motherhood is, not realizing you'd give anything for her problems. She might disappear into new parent life and leave you behind.

Or she might try to include you, to bridge the gap, to hold space for your pain even while consumed with her new baby. These friendships are rare and precious.

Types of Friends During Infertility

The Ones Who Disappear

Some friends simply can't handle your struggle. They might avoid you because pregnancy and babies are now their entire world and spending time with you means not talking about those things. They might pull away because your pain makes them uncomfortable. They might ghost because they don't know what to say.

The disappearance hurts, especially when you thought the friendship was solid. But their exit tells you something about the friendship's depth. People who leave during hard times were never going to stay for the long haul.

The Ones Who Try but Fail

These friends want to support you. They ask questions, check in, try to understand. But they keep saying the wrong things, offering advice you didn't ask for, or making comparisons that minimize your experience.

Their effort counts for something, even when the execution falls short. The question is whether you have energy to educate them, to correct misunderstandings, to explain why their comments hurt. Sometimes you do. Sometimes you don't.

The Ones Who Get It

A small subset of friends will truly understand your experience. Usually, they've faced infertility themselves, either their own or a close family member's. They know what not to say. They offer presence instead of solutions. They check in on hard days and give space when you need it.

These friends are gold. Protect them.

The Ones You Meet Along the Way

Infertility often introduces you to new friends: women in waiting rooms, members of online support groups, acquaintances who reveal their own struggles when you share yours.

These friendships form around shared experience. You don't have to explain what the two-week wait feels like or why pregnancy announcements trigger you. They already know.

Some of these connections remain specific to the infertility chapter of your life. Others become lasting friendships that survive beyond fertility struggles.

How to Navigate Friendship Challenges

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries aren't punishment; they're self-preservation. During infertility, you have limited emotional resources. Spending them on interactions that drain you isn't sustainable.

Boundaries might include:

What you share. You don't owe anyone details about your treatment, diagnosis, or timeline. "We're going through some things" is enough for people who aren't in your inner circle.

What you attend. Skipping baby showers, pregnancy announcements, and kid-heavy gatherings isn't selfish. It's self-care.

What topics you discuss. "I'm not able to talk about that right now" is a complete sentence. You can redirect conversations away from triggers.

How much contact you maintain. It's okay to reduce contact with certain friends during infertility, even if you hope to reconnect later.

Communicating Your Needs

Friends can't meet needs they don't know about. If you want support, you might need to ask for it directly:

"I'm going through fertility treatment and it's really hard. What would help most is just having you listen without trying to fix anything."

"I'm struggling with pregnancy announcements right now. Could you give me a heads up by text before telling me in person so I can process privately?"

"I might need to skip some gatherings for a while. It's not about you; it's about protecting my mental health."

"The most helpful thing you can do is ask how I'm doing and actually want to hear the answer."

Direct communication feels vulnerable, but it gives your friends a chance to show up the way you actually need.

Responding to Hurtful Comments

When friends say things that hurt, you have several options:

Educate. "I know you mean well, but comments like 'just relax' actually make things harder because they imply this is my fault."

Set a boundary. "I appreciate your concern, but I need us not to talk about fertility advice."

Redirect. "Thanks for thinking of me. Can we talk about something else?"

Let it go. Sometimes the comment isn't worth addressing. You can internally acknowledge the hurt without engaging.

You'll choose different responses for different friends and situations. The goal is protecting yourself while maintaining relationships that matter.

Making Peace with Changed Friendships

Some friendships won't survive infertility. Not because anyone is wrong, but because the experience creates distance that can't be bridged.

Making peace with this loss involves grief. You're mourning not just the friendship but the version of life where infertility didn't exist and the friendship could thrive.

Accepting that a friendship has changed, or ended, doesn't mean you failed. It means infertility touched another part of your life, as it touches everything.

When You're the Pregnant Friend

If you're reading this from the other side, as someone who conceived while a friend struggles, here's what helps:

Tell Them Privately

Don't announce your pregnancy to an infertile friend in a group setting where she has to perform happiness. Text or email gives her privacy to react honestly before responding.

Something like: "I have news I wanted you to hear from me first. I'm pregnant. I know this might bring up complicated feelings for you, and I want you to know there's no pressure to respond right away or in any particular way."

Follow Their Lead

After your announcement, let your friend set the pace. Some women want all the details; others need space. Some want to be included in showers and shopping; others need to opt out. Ask what she needs and respect her answer.

Don't Disappear

It might feel easier to pull away, to avoid making her feel bad, to assume she doesn't want to hear about your pregnancy. But disappearing often hurts more than staying.

Check in on her without making every conversation about your pregnancy. Ask how she's doing with genuine interest. Be present, even when presence is awkward.

Acknowledge the Weirdness

Sometimes naming the elephant in the room helps: "I know this is strange, me being pregnant while you're going through this. I don't want it to damage our friendship, but I also don't know exactly how to navigate it. Can we figure it out together?"

Honesty about the awkwardness creates space for honest conversation.

Finding Your People

Infertility Support Groups

In-person or online support groups connect you with people who truly understand. You don't have to explain what IVF involves or why you cried at a baby announcement. Everyone already knows.

These groups provide validation that your feelings are normal, strategies for coping, and friendships built on shared struggle. Some groups are diagnosis-specific (PCOS, male factor, recurrent loss). Others are treatment-specific (IVF, IUI, donor conception). Find one that fits your situation.

Online Communities

Forums, Facebook groups, Instagram communities, and Reddit threads offer 24/7 access to people who get it. When you're awake at 3 AM spiraling about your next cycle, someone online is probably awake too.

Online communities have drawbacks. Comparison is easy when you see others' successes. Misinformation spreads. The focus on infertility can be consuming. But for many women, online connections provide crucial support when in-person options are limited.

Therapists and Counselors

A fertility therapist isn't a friend, but they provide consistent, reliable support that friendships often can't match during infertility. Therapy gives you space to process without worrying about burdening anyone or managing their reactions.

Therapists also help you navigate friendship challenges directly: deciding which relationships to prioritize, practicing difficult conversations, processing grief about friendships that end.

Expanding Your Circle

Sometimes protecting yourself during infertility means diversifying your friendships. If your closest friends are all pregnant or parenting, adding connections with people at different life stages provides relief.

This might mean reconnecting with old friends, joining activities unrelated to parenting, or simply being open to new connections. Having friends whose lives don't revolve around babies gives you places where infertility isn't constantly present.

Protecting Yourself Without Isolating Completely

The Isolation Risk

Social isolation is a real risk during infertility. Pulling away from friends who don't understand, skipping gatherings that trigger you, retreating from a world that seems designed for people with children. It makes sense why you'd withdraw.

But complete isolation feeds depression and anxiety. Humans need connection, even imperfect connection. The challenge is finding balance: protecting yourself from harm while maintaining enough social contact to support your mental health.

Strategic Engagement

Rather than all-or-nothing thinking (either attend everything or skip everything), consider strategic engagement:

Choose carefully. Some gatherings are worth attending; others aren't. A small dinner with close friends might be manageable. A giant baby shower might not.

Set limits. Attend for one hour instead of three. Have an exit strategy. Bring a support person.

Plan recovery. After difficult social events, schedule rest and self-care. Don't go straight from a triggering gathering to another obligation.

Mix it up. Balance potentially difficult social time with guaranteed-safe social time. A coffee date with a friend who gets it before or after a challenging family event.

Maintaining Non-Infertility Connections

It's tempting to let infertility consume all your social interactions, talking only to people who understand and only about fertility struggles. This focus can help short-term but becomes limiting over time.

Try to maintain some connections where infertility isn't the center. Friendships based on shared hobbies, old friends who know nothing about your treatment, colleagues you enjoy. These relationships remind you that you're more than your fertility status.

When Friendships End

Grief Over Lost Friendships

Losing a friendship during infertility is a real loss that deserves grief. You're mourning not just the person but the version of the friendship that existed before infertility changed everything.

This grief might include:

Sadness about someone who was once central to your life

Anger at her for not understanding or showing up

Guilt about your own role in the distance

Loneliness from the gap she left

Give yourself permission to grieve. Don't rush to minimize the loss or convince yourself it doesn't matter.

Understanding Without Excusing

You can understand why a friendship ended without excusing behavior that hurt you. Your friend might have pulled away because she didn't know how to handle your pain. Understanding that doesn't mean what she did was okay.

Similarly, you might have withdrawn because you couldn't bear her pregnancy. Understanding your reasons doesn't mean the friendship wasn't harmed.

Both things can be true: the distance made sense given the circumstances, and the loss is still painful.

Leaving the Door Open

Some friendships that fracture during infertility can heal later. Circumstances change. She might eventually understand what you went through. You might reach a place where her motherhood doesn't trigger you. Life stages might realign.

If you want to, leave the door open. Don't burn bridges unnecessarily. A friendship that doesn't work now might work again someday.

Or it might not. Some relationships end permanently, and that's okay too. Not every friendship is meant to last forever.

Your Friendships, Your Terms

Infertility touches everything, including the people you love. Some friendships will survive this chapter. Others will fade or end. Both outcomes say more about the circumstances than about you or your friends.

You're allowed to set boundaries that protect your mental health. You're allowed to skip events that cause harm. You're allowed to pull away from relationships that aren't serving you. And you're allowed to grieve the friendships that don't make it through.

At Dancing Bee Counseling, Abby Lemke provides specialized support for individuals navigating the relational challenges of infertility. From processing friendship losses to developing communication strategies to finding your way back to connection, therapy offers space to work through the social dimensions of fertility struggles.

You don't have to figure out friendships during infertility alone. You don't have to perform support you don't have. And you don't have to lose yourself in trying to maintain relationships at the expense of your own wellbeing.

Contact Dancing Bee Counseling to schedule a session and get support for the relational challenges of infertility.

Abby Dawes